


Losing Your Balance

by expelled_sleep_demon



Category: DCU (Comics)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Ballet, Emotional Manipulation, Emotional/Psychological Abuse, Explicit Sexual Content, F/M, Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Sexual Assault, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-06-02
Updated: 2019-06-02
Packaged: 2020-04-06 11:47:50
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 16
Words: 28,361
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19062040
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/expelled_sleep_demon/pseuds/expelled_sleep_demon
Summary: Jason Todd, a ballet dancer recovering from an accident learns to face his trauma while dealing with Kyle Rayner, his desire to be the best, and the fear of his past defining him.Kyle Rayner, the new head of costume design seeks something new and exciting in his life. He finds it in Gotham, but at what cost?





	1. Into the Shadows

### Kyle: Into the Shadows

###    
I know I’m an artist. In fact, I know I’m a talented artist. That’s why they hired me as head of costume design. To be honest, I wasn’t too excited to work with dancers. Yeah, they’re attractive, slender muscles, long arms, soft faces, but to be honest from what I’ve heard dancers are divas and I don’t do divas. I’ve never been one for ballet but my mentor believed the best thing for my career was to branch out, find a way out of the hustle and bustle of theater, he said ballet would be more challenging, and have an easier pace than theater. Honestly, I think he was just sick of me saying that I was uninspired.  
  
I had other companies in mind, I really did, but this one had something the others didn’t. This company had something that absolutely inspired me to stay in Gotham of all places. As an artist, I believe I have to paint a picture of the Gotham studio. It’s frightening on the outside, romanesque in architecture with its phantasmagoric windows, uninviting cavernous entrances, and the soulless beige-colored bricks. Once you step beyond it’s wide double doors there is a cold, a haunting cold like no other, but still as you look beyond to its open and echoing space there is a beauty to it, something that holds to and calls you, a warmth where the light floods through. That wasn’t what made me stay. Gotham’s a mess. It’s dangerous, it’s dark, and uninviting, but they make art here. I guess it would have been easier to leave in retrospect. I don’t have anything to lose anywhere else, but here in Gotham, I could soar to new heights or destroy my entire career and everything that I’ve worked so hard for. I think part of it doesn’t even matter to me. I think I could do this anywhere. I could cover a beautiful body anywhere, but I couldn’t cover his. I digress, I think? I think it’s important that I remind myself that it doesn’t matter why I chose to work with Gotham’s Shadow Ballet Company, it doesn’t matter why I decided to go into working with ballet dancers, but it does matter that I explain my reasons for staying as artfully as I would dress such dancers.  
  
I came to Gotham out of curiosity at first, I wanted to see why people shied away from such a place, and if I am to be completely honest, seeing wasn't actually believing for me. I sought out the finest companies in Gotham, that being the Shadow Ballet Company and the Gotham City Studio. I’ve heard all sorts of rumors from callous treatment of youthful dancers to the dark and twisted nature of their overly competitive and dangerously underprivileged dancers. I tend not to believe what I hear until I can see things for myself, so I did research on both places. The Shadow Ballet Company had a sort of enticing, seductive nature, leaning towards the macabre and tales of the forlorn, while GCS leaned towards grandiose tales of heroes and fairy tales. I didn’t think they were significant. I didn’t feel that it mattered. All that mattered to me at the time was piecing together my life and taking my inspiration back. I wanted to feel something again, I wanted the fruits of my labor to mean something to me. I wanted it all to make sense to me again, the way things seemed to make sense before everyone knew who I was and what I could do.  
  
First came my interview with the principal of GCS, he didn’t show up at all, instead he had his assistant question me and dig through my portfolio. I wasn’t as discouraged as I was irritated. I felt like I should have been able to meet him, man-to-man, shake his hand, introduce myself, instead someone I had never spoken with had torn through my work, searching with eyes that never once looked at me, never even noticed. It was quite a different experience at Shadows Ballet. I remember it all clearly, the walk up the paved stone road, the overwhelming smell of rosemary, and the statues with tortured faces all neatly-placed as if they guarded the structure itself from imminent attack. I remember the principal’s voice, smooth and precise, but low almost in a whisper, “Welcome,” her smile was tight and premeditated. She gave me her name and I nodded and introduced myself, all the while I stared at an indoor fountain and the figure of a man lingering behind it. “He’s not as shy as he seems. He’s reflecting right now,” she whispered. I smiled.  
  
“I don’t mind I was just-. He’s standing so still,” I whispered and cursed myself for saying something so stupid. She didn’t reply, instead she took me to the main dance studio. “What’re you performing this season?”  
  
“Frankenstein,” she answered sharply and with flair as if the title without her tone meant nothing. I opened my mouth to ask and she without warning started spinning a tale of a man toying with the laws of nature and twisting it to his will only to abandon his creation leaving the poor creature without guidance or anyone to turn to. “A tale of the beast within man.” She let those words slip through her lips as if it were a warning and a joke both at my expense and then there was only silence. I looked away uncomfortably leaning on the barre as if it would take away some of the tension she welcomed into the large mirrored room. The figure slipped past me and sent a chill down my spine. “Would you like to introduce yourself?”  
  
“I would like to warm up,” he mumbled never once looking at me and yet I couldn’t take my eyes off of him. A faceless figure in a room filled with mirrors. His raven-colored hair, his agitation, his apprehension could have been mistaken for timidity, but I saw commitment. She cleared her throat as if she were reminding him of manners that she’d taught him and he stood up straight. His limbs seemed to move in sequence and just as soon as I took notice of the art and poise of his readjustment he stops and without warning I was greeted by a tufts of white hair and startling blue eyes. “Jason,” he reached out to take hold of my hand and I --out of nervousness and excitement--- grab hold of his hand with both of mine to give a warm handshake and he recoils. His fingers cold to the touch as I pull back. “You must be Mr. Rayner,” he mumbled it and then he was off to who knows where.  
  
As soon as he was gone the principal offered me the job and without any hesitation on my behalf I accepted. I took a flight to my hometown and packed everything I owned without saying goodbye, I figured that I wouldn’t be there longer than a season, I figured I would regain my inspiration and return. I think deep down I didn’t want a reason to stay there. Stay home. There was nothing left for me to accomplish back home. I drove back to Gotham with a nagging feeling, that maybe I had made the decision to move too quickly, that maybe I wouldn’t even like living there. I thought I would be miserable. As I entered the cavern that was Shadows I felt even more fearful and apprehensive, this was no longer the artful and frightening building I saw at first. It was home and that terrified me. What would I be to those dwelling there? What would they expect me to be? Would they be anything like Jason? Who was Jason to the principal? I shook the thoughts from my head and as soon as I was able to relax there he was again, looming in the shadows except this time he could not see me. I watched silently as he stood frozen with his back turned to me and then with a violent start I watch his body shift and then off he was spinning and leaping across the floor as if to a specific rhythm and we locked eyes. He stood up straight, his eyes never leaving me.  
  
“You’re late,” Jason stated coldly. I apologized only with a look. “I’m going to show you around today. I’ll only show you once, so pay close attention. Where is the main studio?” I pointed to my left and he smiled. “When you were watching me… What-. Who did I look like?”  
  
“You looked happy.” He frowned. “Not that I know what your happy looks like, I don’t even know what your role is-.”  
  
“My role,” he seemed offended and a little confused.  
  
“Are you assistant principal?”  
  
“Coryphée. I’m a lead, but not even close to being principal. I’m not good enough yet,” Jason replied a little louder than his tone. “I have to prove myself to be magnificent. I am not magnificent yet.”  
  
“How will you know?” He turned his back to me and walked quickly ahead.  
  
“I’ll know once I become a soloist.”


	2. Pas de Deux

### Jason: Pas de Deux

###    
Sometimes when I dance, I can’t see or feel anything but the music. It’s as if nothing hurts when I’m dancing, because nothing exists, the world melts beneath my feet and I am whole. I’m weightless, a disembodied soul off to paradise. When I dance I am a bird and when I leap I fly across the heavens and the world ceases to exist beneath me. I never look before I leap, something in me just knows I’ll make the landing. I catch my breath and all the dread I should feel when I’m pushing my body to its limits come rushing in. It’s the danger, it’s always been. I thrive off of the pain and the excitement that comes with dancing, and I wouldn’t give it up for anything in the world. Actually, maybe I would give it up for one thing. I don’t want to dwell on it because it never really mattered. I’ve been dancing ever since I was a kid. I took to it fast. I worked hard, I really did, but I was reckless. I slipped up, I made a mistake, and I almost lost everything. It won’t matter though, because soon enough I’ll be better than I was. I won’t need anyone to pick me up when I fall, I will be amazing, and when they look up at me they’ll see what they lost… I gave my soul for this. I didn’t need a replacement then and I won’t need one ever again.  
  
I’ve never meant anything to anyone, not until someone saw potential in me, but I screwed everything up. I thought I was irreplaceable. I thought I was invincible. I misinterpreted my worth and found myself fighting for my life with no one at my side. I lay in my hospital bed a month before the show with the thought that maybe I would never dance again, I was replaced. No one came to tell me. The show must go on. ‘Say it with gusto,’ pfft what a load of bullshit that was. I made a lot of mistakes, but I’m not as young and naive as I once was. I will do anything to better myself at my peak and become so much better than what I could’ve been. This time I have to take myself seriously, even for her. She took me in when no one else would, she saved my life.  
  
I should probably talk about her, my relationship with her, how I met her. I should tell you how I met Talia. I fought hard in physical therapy to get back to where I was, but my mind was more torn apart than my body. I never believed I would ever dance again and when I wanted to give up it was like she came out of nowhere. “Why the tears Jason,” her voice had a hypnotising effect. I turned and looked to her. I bit my lip wanting desperately to brush her off but I looked into her eyes and she seemed sincere. My face burned with shame.  
  
“How do you know my name,” I whispered. I wiped my face and took a deep breath.  
  
“You’re going to be his soloist. You’re with GCS,” she whispered. I shook my head.  
  
“Not anymore, I won’t dance again. I can’t,” my breath caught, “How do you know me?”  
  
“I saw the article-.”  
  
“Careless Whisper, the fucking nerve,” I almost smiled. The article title burned me up, it felt like a slap in the face. Yes, it was a careless mistake but it was my careless mistake and then it felt like a jab at my alleged sexuality. It was no one’s business, none of it. “Are you a reporter?”  
  
“I’m a principal,” she whispered. I sat up straight. “Now where is the answer to my question Jason… Why the tears?” I took a towel and wiped my face.  
  
“It’s like I’ve forgotten everything,” I chewed my lip, “I’ve forgotten how to dance.” She looked at me and smiled.  
  
“You don’t need to remember. If you were so accomplished the first time, with work you can be just as accomplished once again.The mind forgets, but the body remembers,” she whispered, “I would like to ask something of you.” I looked at her and I saw true and honest interest, and still, something about her deep dark eyes drew me in. “How would you like to work with my company?” She gave me her card and I examined her seriously.  
  
“What’s the catch?” I didn’t actually care. I would have given anything to belong to a company again.  
  
“No catch, you are a good dancer Jason. Very good, but you could be magnificent,” she touched my hand, “Wouldn’t you like to be magnificent?” I sat still breathing in the words. I had been with Gotham City Studios since I was a kid. I hadn’t danced with a company since the accident. It’d almost been two years. Her words felt good, they wrapped around me and made my throat tight. I wanted this more than anything. I nodded, slowly at first and then everything in me felt warm. I smiled.  
  
“Yes, yes I would.” It was just as easy as that.  
  
Soon afterwards, I moved into the Shadows Ballet Studio and I trained hard night and day under Talia’s wing. She was sincere and kinder than any woman I’d ever met, but the times when I was training under her she was ruthless, she demanded perfection from me and pushed me farther than I had ever been pushed at GCS.  
  
One night in particular she pushed me beyond my limits. I had been practicing with her all day, my body ached, my eyes burdened with headache staring at her as she looked over me with disapproval. My fouettes were not what she had expected at the end of the very long day and I wanted them to be better for her, I really did. I just couldn’t be good enough. I wasn’t good enough. I lost pointe once, then my feet weren’t in the right position, and then the last straw, my arms were all wrong. I couldn’t look at her, I let my exhaustion get the better of me and I cried silently with my back to her. I didn’t want to face her disappointment. I wanted to be good enough for her but I wasn’t. I knew she said I could stop earlier, and I should have. I just wanted her to see that I refused to take her kindness for granted. I sank to the ground despite myself and as soon as I was strong enough to get up and try again, she was there sitting right across from me, her eyes as inviting as ever. “Perfection.”  
  
“But my arms were wrong-.”  
  
“It wasn't your fouettes that I was talking about,” she smiled and the silence fell on us. My imperfections were far from my mind as I looked at her hoping that she felt as I did, and as soon as she cupped my cheek I realized that she was talking about me. I leaned in. My heart beat out of my chest, she kissed me and I felt like my heart would explode. I let my lips collide with hers and her lips began to stray from mine and met my jawline and then my neck. I grabbed her hand. “Are you-.” I kissed her again and I leaned over her and she shook her head. “Not here Jason. Not here,” and just like that I followed her back to her bedroom. She walked with poise, chin lifted, shoulders down as if she was just speaking to me. She took the key from around her neck and unlocked her door. I stood back a ways and once the door was open she slid through ahead of me and closed the door behind us. I looked at all her toys on the wall and it took me aback. “Are you apprehensive?”  
  
“No, I’m yours,” I meant it. She kissed my neck and I held onto her wrist and we kissed yet again.  
  
“Have you ever…” She grabbed hold of my ass and I tensed. “Would you like to?”  
  
“I’m all yours,” I whispered and she nodded. I took off my sweater and she laughed. The noise startled me, her voice sounded off so much lighter than I had ever heard it and she stood there shaking her head. I started to roll off my tights and she hooked her fingers into my tights and rolled them down to my thighs before she had me turn my back to her.  
  
“Where do you want to do this? I would suggest the desk because it’s sturdy but maybe-.”  
  
“I think I’ll take the bed.” I had never been so nervous in my life, but I wanted her to take control. I trusted her. She asked me to bend over and I obeyed. Her hands were warm as she slid my dance belt down and I lay there over her bed waiting for her to move.  
  
“Ready?” I nodded and I remembered she wouldn’t hurt me. I relaxed my shoulders and I felt her hands move back to my tights and roll them down to my ankles. I kicked them off and she spread my legs. I didn’t hear her move but I felt her lick my balls and a chill ran up my spine and I could hear her take in a breath before taking her tongue up the outline of my ass and I anticipated her touch. I wanted her. I wanted her so badly. “Talia? I think I’m ready.” She rubbed the side of my ass and I let out a breath of air and she stuck her tongue in me. I felt her hand run up and down my thigh and I moaned as I felt her tongue move around inside me for what seemed like forever and I moaned into her sheets. She pulled back and kissed my lower back.  
  
“Do you wanna pick Jason?” I wanted to stand up and look but I didn’t know what I’d be turning around to see. “You can sit up it’s fine.” I turned and sat on her rug so I could look at Talia and her strap-ons in various sizes and colors hanging from her arm like championship belts. I smiled and covered my mouth. My eyes wandered from her toys to her long legs.  
  
“Um…” I leaned forward and pulled gently at the one in the middle. I used my other hand to touch myself while she put it on and I heard her squeeze a bottle before she came back to me. I looked around once more at her wall of toys and I stared at a little pair of handcuffs hanging up above the other items.  
  
“Do you want to play with that?” I nodded. She smiled and bent over to kiss my forehead as she walked by to get it and then she stood in front of me wearing nothing but her strapon and she kneeled in front of me. “Let me put it on for you.” She took my hand and cuffed it and then hooked the other cuff onto the bed for me. She was so gentle and then she was on her feet and she took a pillow off of her bed and laid it on the floor for me. “Lie down.” I obeyed her and she spread my legs. “If you’re uncomfortable just grab my wrist and squeeze.” I nodded and she pushed against my hole and I let out a breath of air. “Okay you’re going to push.” I nodded and she pushed in and I could feel my whole body twitch. I let out a beast-like noise and Talia pulled back and stayed there. I kissed her and she pushed back in slowly.  
  
“Talia,” I moaned. I took a deep breath in and she started to fuck me slowly. I readjusted on the pillow and I felt her hit my prostate and I –never having had anyone hit my prostate before– sat up and hooked my unbound arm around her neck and I let out a loud groan. She wrapped her hand around the back of my neck and pulled me into her shoulder to smother the noise and I bit down. She winced and I heard her laugh. She pushed me back down on my back and fucked me. I pushed back on her and I just wanted to hear her say something. I wanted her to say something that showed me that I meant something to her and then there was nothing but pleasure. I closed my eyes and the dark covered me.  
  
“Are you tired darling,” she whispered. I shook it off. I wanted to clean up and I wanted to fuck her. I wanted to do whatever she wanted me to do. I couldn’t sit up. All the aches and pains of the day fell back in on me. I heard her take off the strapon and I just lay there. She un-cuffed me and I just lay there. “You’re tired.” She moved my bangs. I lay there awhile and once I got the strength, I got dressed and went back to my room. I didn’t shower, I didn’t think, I lay in bed, and I allowed sleep to flood in.


	3. Home Sweet Home?

### Kyle 2: Home Sweet Home?

###    
I watched him intently as he moved quickly as if he were on a mission of some sort. Jason. I said his name in my mind wondering who he was to his friends. I wondered who his friends were. “What’s this room-.” He clutched a key from around his neck.  
  
“It’s my room,” Jason whispered, “My room.” It was sudden and filled with venom.  
  
“Sorry, I just-. All the rooms looked the same,” I whispered. I guess the building felt so empty that there seemed to be no allowance for noise. We stood there in silence and he fidgeted with his hands.  
  
“Honest mistake.” He looked at the key around my neck and then he looked at me. “Did Talia pick your room for you?”  
  
“She did,” I nodded. He looked upset.  
  
“You should settle in Mr. Rayner-.”  
  
“Kyle, you can call me Kyle. We’re about the same a-.” Jason nodded as if I had spoken for too long, as if I was holding him up. I watched his eyes dart away from me and down the hall.  
  
“Nice. Nice, I have to go. I’ll catch up with you soon enough, I have to go,” he replied and then he darted off. I took my suitcase and my key and entered my room. It was warm, an inviting blue, a large window, and even nicer a whole bathroom to myself. I thought in a place like this there would be one large locker room restroom. I didn’t see a kitchen though. I figured eating as a company boosted morale. I didn’t mind. I’m a terrible cook. My thoughts ceased as I heard voices through the wall.  
  
“Jason if you really want this you need to go back there and make this man comfortable…. Jason wait.” Her voice was harsh. I started unpacking my bag and there he was again standing in my doorway forcing a smile.  
  
“Would you like some help?” I nodded against my better judgment.  
  
“Sure… Yeah, sure,” I replied and I sat on the floor and started pulling out my sketchbooks. He sat down across from me. “Do you wanna put these on the shelves for me?”  
  
“Sure.” I figured talking to him wouldn’t be very easy. I wanted it to be easy but it was obvious that he didn’t want me there. He didn't want me to be in that room, he didn't want me anywhere near him. I refused to sit in the silence. It seems too awkward for housemates anyway. I figured I would address the elephant in the room.  
  
“You can say what you’re thinking. I have pretty thick skin,” I smiled. He put the sketchbooks neatly on the shelves.  
  
“I don’t need another person telling me what to do,” Jason mumbled, “I don’t need another boss-.”  
  
“Oh,” I laughed nervously, “I just design costumes. In a way you’re more my boss than I am yours.” He sat across from me seemingly ready to bare his teeth.  
  
“I don’t wanna talk about this. I don’t even know you-.” I put a few more of my sketchbooks into his hands and I nodded.  
  
“Would you like to know me-.” He got up and placed my books on the shelf.  
  
“I don’t think all your books will fit on the shelf,” he interrupted.  
  
“That’s okay… Um, how long have you been with Shadows?” He looked up at me kind of alarmed. “Have you been here long? I’m not very familiar with ballet. I worked in theater most of my career.” He relaxed his shoulders.  
  
“I’ve been here three years, but I danced at another company for who knows how long,” he whispered.  
  
“GCS?” He nodded. “I went for an interview there but it seemed pretty impersonal. It felt weird there.”  
  
“It doesn’t feel weird here?” He bit his lip and reached into my suitcase for more of my sketchbooks.  
  
“It’s a little bit creepy but it’s not bad… GCS just seemed closed off like they were all too busy but here it’s kind of just… Well you know how it is here. You live here,” I laughed nervously again. I wish I could have just told him I didn’t need help unpacking. “Is it as cutthroat in the Gotham dance community as they say or-.”  
  
“It’s not as bad as they say. Not really I think. There are a lot of friendly dancers and a lot of pensive ones.” He pushed a hand through his hair. “Are these sketchbooks filled?”  
  
“Half and half I think. Which one are you? Are you friendly?”  
  
“I used to be. It’s not the easiest thing to be when people come and go as they do. Maybe Gotham is just as cutthroat as they say, but it’s not tough to adapt to if you have a thick enough skin,” he mumbled. Talia knocked and I looked up.  
  
“Sorry to interrupt. Jason we’re going to start warming up soon. Mr. Rayner maybe you would like to sit in and watch?” I looked at Jason and he looked at her.  
  
“Yeah, of course,” I nodded. I got up and locked my door on the way out.  
  
The chatter of dancers filled the studio room. People buzzed around happily and it seemed as if the building had come alive. Talia seemed very pleased with the energy of the room. There were so many dancers the room seemed to melt into an array of pinks and blues, whites and greys, blacks and browns. It was almost overwhelming how warm everyone was. Jason seemed to stand out. He brushed past several of the dancers to the front barre. He spoke to no one, he sat on the ground, and he did so with purpose in his movement. He began to stretch and I felt someone brush past me. Talia was off to her desk in the corner of the room and she began to play music. They all seemed to fall in line at the barres and a silence fell over the room. They all started to stretch and she stepped towards the front of the room. “While you are all stretching I would like to introduce you to our new head of costume design, Kyle Rayner,” she gestured towards me and I waved awkwardly. They all stopped and clapped and if that wasn't awkward enough I went to go stand by Talia's desk and tripped over my feet. No one reacted. No one except for Jason who had managed to crack a smile at my expense. “Mr. Rayner you may have a seat behind my desk if you like.” I nodded and sat in a chair at her desk.  
  
The class was a lot like a theater class, I watched them all as she poked and prodded at their forms. She consistently reminded them of their mistakes, ‘bad turnout’, ‘keep your pointe’, ‘shoulders down’, but not for Jason. She was such more harsh towards him. It wasn't that he was worse than any of the other students, actually he was very strong and capable, it just seemed like she was punishing him. I watched as the dancers performed each task as soon as she had commanded and I could watch it all objectively until Talia asked them to do fouettes. I know nothing about ballet so I sat for a second and watched as they all kicked out and turned beautifully. “Head up Jason,” she raised her voice, “Again.” They all did five or so more. “Shoulders down Jason! Again.” Five or so more. This went on at least a dozen times more and I could see his chest heave and he looked at her as if he wanted to say her name, as if he wanted to plead with her. I got up and I couldn’t tell her how to run her class, but I could leave so that’s what I did. I walked out of the studio and I went back to my room. I put the rest of my sketchbooks on the shelves and went back out to my car to get my other boxes and I couldn’t get her voice out of my mind. Again. So sharp. Maybe she was punishing him for something.  
  
It took me most of the day to settle in and I was grateful for being so slow with packing. I didn’t want to face Jason or Talia. It was hard to watch. I took a moment to look around the room before lying down and just as I started to relax into my pillows I heard a knock at the door. I got up and opened the door. Jason stood there in front of me with a cellophane-wrapped plate and a handkerchief. “You missed dinner.” I smiled and invited him in. He wavered. “I don’t think I should.”  
  
“Maybe another time?” He shook his head.  
  
“I don’t think so no.” I nodded. “I was rude earlier. I’m sorry.”  
  
“No hard feelings,” I whispered. He seemed embarrassed. “Know anyone who wouldn’t mind keeping me company?”  
  
“If I find someone, I’ll let you know.” I nodded and he closed the door on his way out. Jason. I had to say it to myself once more. I thought that he must really hate the costume design crew, if there was a crew. I took the cellophane off of the plate, food still warm. I unwrapped the fork from the handkerchief and started to eat. The food was good. I threw my plate in the trash and lay back in bed.  
  
I hoped that I didn’t make a mistake picking this company. It was my first day and I was already stuck in the middle of an unspoken dispute between principal and –I can’t remember what word he used– dancer. I wondered if it was my fault. I hoped it wasn’t. I just wanted a fresh start in a new environment. I didn’t expect it to be drama free. I didn’t even expect it to be pleasant, but I hoped I would be able to hold on to my own peace separately from the company’s business. It doesn’t matter now. I guess I’m home now.


	4. Misstep

### Jason 2: Misstep

###    
Kyle Rayner is a new applicant for the costume design department of the company. I didn’t trust him. I wouldn’t trust him. I know his type, but Talia promised that it would be all right. Talia would never hurt me. I sat across from her on the floor as we ate dinner. “Do we need a head of costume design? Are you going to tell him that there is no costume design crew?”  
  
“Jason. It’s not up for discussion. You don’t get to tell me what to do with my company,” her tone gave me cause for anxiety. My chest ached. “Besides, I want you to make him feel welcome after I hire him tomorrow.” She had to be joking. She couldn’t make me speak to him. She couldn’t make me acknowledge him.  
  
“Is my being the welcoming committee up for discussion?” I wanted to argue with her, but something in me wanted her to tell me what I wanted to hear.  
  
“I just want you to talk to him show him around-.”  
  
“By myself?”  
  
“Yes, you’ll be fine. I promise,” she grabbed my face with her hand. “You’ll be fine darling.” I wanted her to tell me that I didn’t have to do it if I really felt uncomfortable, but I should’ve known better. I was talking to Shadows principal Talia, not the Talia that I had sex with from time to time. I didn’t argue. I just nodded. She kissed me. It didn’t mean anything though. “Jason?” She kissed me again. “Do you trust me?” I nodded.  
  
“I’m tired Talia, I think I’m gonna go.” She nodded and as I got up to leave she grabbed my hand.  
  
“You’ll say it before you go, won’t you?” I felt guilty, maybe I should’ve been more readily accepting of her request. I forced a smile and nodded.  
  
“I’m all yours.” She softened completely and stood up in front of me and hugged me. It took me aback but I welcomed the affection. I wrapped my arms around her and soon enough I was off to my room. I thought about our shared embrace and I thought about an embrace from my past.  
  
Careless. I couldn’t help but want to do it all over. It felt like it was all my fault. I thought that maybe I should make my way over to Talia’s room, climb into her bed, try to forget. I wasn’t in love with Talia and she wasn’t in love with me either. I think we were attracted to each other, I think the sex was good, I think a lot of things but we’re nothing more than whatever the hell we are. I didn’t want to have sex with her, I was angry at her, but I did want someone to sleep next to. I lay awake trying to forget why I was really upset. It wasn’t like Talia knew about what happened. She only knew about what happened from the papers. I wasn’t very forthcoming when it came to talking to reporters. It was my fault. I read the papers. They all said that it was my fault. I wondered if them knowing what happened would change things. It probably wouldn’t. I could’ve killed myself. I could’ve killed a lot of people that night. It was my fault. It was all my fault. Careless. I see it play over all the time. I was lucky that I was the only one who got hurt. I couldn’t believe it’d been three years. I lay there in bed with tears in my eyes. Careless. I remember the argument. I remembered everything I said. It was my fault. The tears fell and I couldn’t stop them. I watched it all happen in my head over and over again and I couldn’t stop crying. I heard a knock at the door.  
  
“Jay?” The light tech. “Jay are you okay?” I took five deep shaky breaths and I dug my nails into my thighs.  
  
“Yes… Mhm, I’m okay. Goodnight Roy,” I answered. I didn’t sound like myself. I didn’t want to fall apart like that, it was just one of those nights where I couldn’t make the memories go away. They tore through my mind and rendered me powerless.  
  
“Jay are you sure?” I should have known better than to cry. I should have taken a shower and two sleeping pills. “Jason, are you sure,” he corrected himself. He was a night owl. He wouldn’t leave it alone. He was probably the only other person awake in the whole building besides Talia.  
  
“I said I’m fine!” I threw a book at my door to scare him off. I felt terrible but I couldn’t let anyone see me like that. I wanted to make it go away on my own. I didn’t want to need anyone. I didn’t deserve to have anyone.  
  
I dug through my drawer and pulled out a news article about the accident. I read the first lines as I always did when I felt like that. They read as:  
  
“Gotham City Studios dancer, Jason Todd’s, careless mistake could cost him his life. No one seems to know the cause of his breakdown, but many suggest his recent streak of reckless behavior and intense unstable sexual relationships may be the cause. Local authorities report Todd’s blood alcohol level to be 0.24 which is three times larger than the legal limit.”  
  
I wasn’t a big drinker. I wasn’t a bad kid. I had a bad night. I made a stupid choice. Those are all excuses. I could have killed people. I could have killed myself. I could have killed people. I could have killed people. People, Jason. Innocent people. I wanted to throw up. I got up to throw up but I looked in the mirror and froze. I was a wreck. Where was the perfection that Talia saw? I saw a monster. I saw a brat. I saw someone who is and was capable of terrible things. I took the sleeping pills from the medicine cabinet and took one. I had to get up early. I had to get dressed, I had to look the part for Talia. I had to play the part for Talia. I had to show her that I wasn't the reckless GCS boy that she’d met. I had to show her that I was grateful for the opportunities she gave me.  
  
I lay in bed and pulled the sheets over my head and I sank into the nothingness. I bathed in it. I drowned in it. I fell into a deep unrewarding sleep.  
  
My alarm. I got in the shower and scrubbed away at my inadequacies. I had to play the part. I knew I didn’t have to speak to him that day if I didn’t want to. Maybe he wouldn’t take the job and I wouldn’t have to worry. I washed my hair and something about the water hitting my face from that angle made my chest tighten. I finished my shower and brushed my teeth, slipped on my dance belt and my tights. I stared at myself in the mirror. What was I going to seem like to him? Would he know who I was? Would he know what I did? Will I freeze up?  
  
I put a sweater on and slipped on a pair of pants and I slipped out of my room locking the door behind me. I wanted to see her speaking to him. I needed to see his face. I needed to dispel the paranoid theory I had in my mind. I needed to hear him talk. I stood by the fountain waiting, I wouldn’t have hidden if part of me wasn’t dying to go back to my room in the hopes that maybe I would never have to meet him. I saw him. I saw him speak to her. I couldn’t see his face from where I was standing. I followed them to the studio and I waited outside. I couldn’t breathe. I slid to the ground and closed my eyes. “Talia would never hurt me. Talia would never let anyone hurt me,” I whispered it to myself and once I caught my breath I walked past him and Talia asked if I would like to introduce myself. I didn't want to introduce myself. I didn’t want him there. I wanted to go back to sleep. I wanted my heart to stop beating so fast.  
  
“I would like to warm up.” Wrong! Talia looked at me and I wished I was dead for a moment. I could tell she was furious with me. “Jason-.” He took my hand in both of his and I pulled back. Who taught him how to shake hands? Why did my chest hurt so bad? “You must be Mr. Rayner.” I darted off back to my room and I threw up. I knew Talia would be upset. I couldn’t stop shaking. I couldn’t stop it. I couldn’t control it.  
The next morning would be worse. Tasked with being Mr. Rayner’s escort, I would have to spend a great deal of the morning alone with him. I wanted to go to Talia’s room and tell her to ask someone else to do it, but I couldn’t ask that of her. I waited for him. He was twelve minutes late. Twelve agonizing minutes. I took him on the tour in a rush to get away from him and then we got to the rooms. He reached for the doorknob to my room and I panicked. I looked at his key and realized that Talia put his room right across from mine. I left quickly, not even knowing if I had said anything to him before running off to her room. “Talia you can’t do this. There are lots of other rooms-.”  
  
“That one is one of the closest to the main studio Jason.”  
  
“Talia-.”  
  
“Did you just leave him there? Jason I only asked one thing of you-.”  
  
“Talia you don’t under-.”  
  
“Don’t you want to move up Jason? Do you even want to be a soloist anymore?”  
  
“Of course I do Talia, but you’re not listen-.”  
  
“Jason if you really want this you need to go back there and make this man comfortable,” she raised her voice in anger. This wasn't the Talia that I knew. Talia would never hurt me. I turned to walk out the door. “Jason wait.” My blood boiled. She didn’t understand. She didn’t even try to hear me out. Why did she think I did what I did three years ago? Did she think that I was careless? Reckless? Perverse? Unstable? What did she really think of me? Was I important to her at all? Was I being ungrateful? I forced a smile on my face as I walked back to his room. I didn’t want to be alone with him. I didn’t want to be alone.


	5. Pity For His Thoughts

### Kyle 3: Pity For His Thoughts

###    
A wake-up call at six-thirty in the morning. I sat up and took a deep breath. My face rosy and warm from the kiss of sleep. “Mr. Rayner?” I got out of bed and threw on a shirt. “Mr. Rayner, I’m supposed to take you to breakfast this morning.”  
  
“You can come in,” I called. I didn’t think he would. I got out of bed and went to brush my teeth.  
  
“You have twenty minutes to get ready. I’ll wait outside.” It didn’t matter. I took my shower and got dressed. Nine minutes. I opened the door and he stood a ways back by his bedroom door.  
  
“Breakfast?” He nodded and walked ahead of me. “Jason?”  
  
“Hm?” He turned to me.  
  
“Thank you for dinner.” He continued on to the dining room and I followed. I wonder what he hated about me. I wonder if he was this cold to everyone. “Why did you leave GCS-.”  
  
“That’s none of your business,” he snapped, “I mean… I’d rather not get into it.”  
  
“I understand,” I lied. I didn’t understand how a nice-looking guy like him could hold such deep anger and resentment towards his past. I wanted to know what I was in his mind. I wanted to know what he associated me with.  
  
“We’re here.”  
  
“Are you going to take me up on breakfast?”  
“Probably n-.” Talia slipped by him and rested her hand on his back.  
  
“You’re early this morning. How are you Mr. Rayner?”  
  
“Kyle’s fine… Um, I’m doing all right,” I smiled, “How are you?”  
  
“I’m well.” She pulled on Jason’s sleeve and he leaned over for her to whisper to him. He touched her hand and whispered something to her and she grabbed his wrist and squeezed it before whispering something else to him and he nodded. He whispered one last thing to her and she told him out loud she had other things to attend to. He looked unwell. She rubbed his arm and smiled before darting off.  
  
“I will be joining you for breakfast,” he mumbled and we went to make our plates, the only two eating in the dining room.  
  
“Will it only be us?”  
  
“Not everyone wakes up for breakfast, and some people eat elsewhere,” he sat down at one of the tables and I followed. He ate a little but it seemed as if he didn’t feel well.  
  
“Are you all right?” He nodded. I started to eat my food and he stared at me. “I don’t know anything about ballet but I thought that you were just as good if not better than those other dancers yesterday.”  
  
“I didn’t do well at all yesterday. I embarrassed her,” Jason mumbled. He forced himself to take another bite. “I saw you leave.”  
  
“I felt bad-.” He put his fork down.  
  
“I don’t need your pity. I needed to do better, she’s only pushing me because she knows I can be much better,” he said it and he meant it. I didn’t feel like arguing with him, he looked like upset to begin with.  
  
“Jason, I’m going to be honest with you. I don’t believe you like me very much. I don’t want anything from you and I don’t want to give you orders because that’s not my job. Since we’re going to be coworkers anyways I would like for you to do one thing. I would like you to tell me why you don’t like me.” He swallowed hard.  
  
“I don’t dislike you. I’d have to have known you to dislike you. I don’t trust you, there’s a difference,” he didn’t look at me. I nodded and continued to eat.  
  
“So as the season progresses is there a chance that there won’t be such an uncomfortable wall between us as coworkers?” He shook his head.  
  
“I’m not here to make friends. I’m not here to be friendly,” he whispered.He took a sip of water and swallowed hard.  
  
“Okay, understandable.” It wasn't understandable. It’s one thing to completely shut someone out but to shut me out without reason. I was upset but he looked ill so I closed my mouth and accepted things as they were. I couldn’t push him. I’d only met him three days ago. It wasn't going to get easier overnight. A red-haired man came and sat down next to him.  
  
“Morning Jay,” he smiled, “And you’re Mr. Rayner right?” I nodded. “I’m Roy Harper the lighting tech. Nice to meet you.” He shook my hand.  
  
“You can call me Kyle. Everyone calls me Kyle,” I smiled.  
  
“I heard Jay was showing you around this week,” Roy smiled. I nodded and Jason got up to leave.  
“I’m actually not feeling very well… Roy can you take over today?” Roy flashed him a smile. Jason nodded and he was off.  
  
“He’s not much of a talker anymore,” Roy whispered. His smile faded. “I’m guessing he hasn’t taken too kindly to you.” I nodded.  
  
“Do you know him well?” He shrugged.  
  
“I met him at GCS during a show a while back. He was nice, but-... He hasn’t danced for the public in almost four years, I don’t know what happened but I know he’s not the same and he hasn’t been for a while. Don’t take it personal Kyle,” he wanted to smile but he couldn’t.  
  
“Are you two friends?” He didn’t answer for a while. He dug into his food and after swallowing he looked back up at me and nodded.  
  
“I dunno honestly. I don’t think he wants a friend right now. For the past few years all he’s wanted to be was alone. Really though Kyle, don’t take things personal.” I nodded. “I’m serious. He’s not a terrible person. Give him some space and if Talia asks just cover for him.”  
  
“Roy, were you there yesterday?” He took a sip of orange juice.  
  
“Talia always singles him out. It’s their thing. She’s hard on him as a teacher but outside of class she’s got a real soft spot for him. It’s nothing to worry about. It’s been like that for the past two years.”  
  
“Before that?”  
  
“She’s always had a soft spot for him, it’s just… This game they play now I dunno,” he whispered.  
  
“Are they together?”  
  
“I dunno,” he laughed, “And that’s really none of our business.” I went back to eating quietly.  
  
“Yeah that was a bit much. How long have you worked with Shadows?”  
  
“I’ve been the lighting guy here for about four and a half years. I used to come along with my dad to GCS shows, he’d show me the ropes. I screwed up with him and I parted ways with the company, joined here… You know you can uh you can join the warmups here? Everybody’s pretty friendly here.” He took off his hat and ran a hand through his hair. A few people came in, talking amongst themselves and sitting or leaving as they pleased. Once Roy finished breakfast we got up and he asked if I’d been to the garden.  
  
“No, is the garden out back?” He nodded. I followed behind him.  
  
“This is Talia’s room, it’s right by the garden. Then there’s the big door. Some of the dancers come back here to relax. It’s nice.” He opened the big french doors and he was right. It was nice. “Feel free to look around. I’ll be right back.” I looked around at the small slice of paradise in front of me, the trees, the flowers, the fountain, and the grecian marble statues of long-haired maidens. I touched the stone benches and took a deep breath of clean air. Maybe it was home after all. Home sweet home.


	6. Baby Steps

### Jason 3: Baby Steps

###    
I knew I didn’t feel well that morning. I had nightmares all night, tossing and turning, waking up to the sound of old friends. I woke up to one nightmare so disturbing I found myself at Roy's door. I was a mess. I turned to leave and Roy opened his door. “Jay?” I broke down. “Come in man.” I nodded and turned around and he closed the door behind me.  
  
I couldn't breathe. I don't know why I came to him. I hadn't spoken to him since everything happened all those years ago. I couldn't speak. I couldn't move. He hugged me and I tensed up. “You were there?” I know it sounded stupid because he was there, but I wanted him to say he was.  
  
“I was there Jay… Why? Do you wanna talk about it?” He sat down on the bed and I stood stuck there.  
  
“There's no excuse for what I did. I was reckless-.”  
  
“Jason, what happened that night? It was a fucking mess but you wouldn't do  
  
what you did for no reason. I think you were too hard on yourself-.” I walked over to him and laid down by his side.  
  
He sat there and took a deep breath. “Can I sleep here?” He lay back next to me. “Roy?”  
  
“Against my better judgment… Yeah sure,” he whispered and punched me in the shoulder. “You still drool?” I didn't laugh. “Hey Jay, you know if you ever wanna tell anyone what happened…” I closed my eyes and his voice disappeared slowly as I drifted away.  
  
I woke up before him the next morning and slipped out hoping not to wake him. I got cleaned up in my room and stumbled at the sink. My stomach turned and I took a deep breath. I don't really remember having breakfast with Kyle, but I remember Talia telling me to be kind to him and I remember asking her to sit down with me. Why did she insist on us both being alone together. Did she not see how desperate I was to get away from him, from my memories? I barely remember speaking to Roy. I had to leave. My stomach turned and I threw up in the bathroom near Talia's room. I went to the garden to breathe in the cool Gotham air. I felt like I couldn't breathe anywhere else sometimes. I felt a hand touch my shoulder and I sat up. “Roy?”  
  
“So you really are sick? Jason you know you can't dance like this?” I nodded. I wished he would be quiet. “Go back to bed Jason. I'll tell Talia you're not feeling well.”  
  
“No, no I'll just sit out today. I told her I'd give him the walkthrough, I just need to catch my breath.” He shook his head.  
  
“You look like you're gonna pass out. Go back to bed. I'm serious Jason. She's not gonna be pissed.” He meant it but he didn't know her the way I did. Talia would be furious. I obeyed and went to my room to lie down. I woke to a knock at my door and I stepped out of my room. Talia fumed.  
  
“Did you not promise me you would be kind to him?”  
  
“I was. Talia I'm not feeling well,” I whispered. She cupped my cheek and nodded. “I'm sorry Talia.”  
  
“No I'm sorry. I should trust you to be true to your word.” She smiled at me. “Rest darling.” I remembered GCS and how things were when I was sick. I remembered the smell of fresh-squeezed juice, the smell of freshly washed sheets, the sound of soft music easing me back into slumber. I was a kid then. Things were so different then. I couldn’t go back, it wouldn’t change anything. GCS was never my home, not really any way. I took a deep breath and suddenly I couldn’t remember where I was. Cameras. So much blood. A voice?  
  
“Don’t move him!” I coughed up blood. Not good. Not good. I’m dying. I’m dying. Someone say something to me please. I don’t want to be alone. Someone say something for god’s sakes. I don’t want to be alone.  
  
“Jason. Jason!” I sat up and started to cry out in fear. “Jason let me in!” I fell out of bed and fumbled with the lock. What was real? Roy slipped in and shut the door behind him and he was on the floor with me, holding me. I couldn’t stop crying. “Breathe Jason.” I couldn’t. “Jason look at me.” I couldn’t. For god’s sake Roy I can’t do anything right now. I don’t even know if this is real. Am I dead? Did I die? “What happened? Jason what happened?”  
  
“I don’t want to die,” I wept.  
  
“Jason, you’re not dying... You’re all right. What happened?” His voice was soft.  
  
“The car. I was-. I was dying.” He shook his head.  
  
“It was a bad dream. That’s all it was Jaybird… Look at me,” Roy whispered. I was afraid to. I didn’t know what time it was, I didn’t know what day it was, or how long it’d been since the accident. “Jason… I need you to look at me.” I nodded and looked at him. “You want me to stay tonight, I’ll stay.” I nodded. He helped me back to bed and he lay there next to me until I fell asleep. When I woke up he still lay there by my side but I felt like I had to throw up. I climbed out of bed and threw up in my toilet. I just wanted to go back to bed. Roy lay asleep in my bed quietly breathing and curled up towards my side.  
  
I lay back down and I remembered when we were kids. I remembered being a kid and looking up to him. I remembered following him around and riding on his back, laughing at his jokes, I remember his smile. He was my best friend. Roy knew everything about me. We were best friends. Then life happened. It always sounded like an excuse coming from adults when I was young but now I know it’s not an excuse at all.  
  
I remember when he and his dad fell out and right when he had started to recover I got drunk and ran a car into a tree. What was I supposed to say to him? Sorry for waving a knife at you and twenty other people at that party a few weeks ago, but I’m awake now. Come visit me in the hospital while I learn to walk again. I wish it were that simple. I wish that I could look him in the eye and apologize for screwing up. I remember the look in his eyes that night. He kept telling me to breathe. I screamed at him. The accident was so bad. I was crushed. I was literally crushed and all by myself. I read in an article they found me using the car’s GPS system or something. I couldn’t scream. I remember being unable to move.  
  
I slept for a while with the memory fresh in my mind and when I woke up again it was to the ring of my alarm. Roy was nowhere to be found. Someone knocked on my door. I got up expecting to see Roy but it was Kyle with a glass tupperware bowl. “I heard you weren’t feeling well. You missed lunch and dinner too, so I figured you’d be hungry…” I took the bowl.  
“Thank you. Did Roy talk to you,” I asked. My throat was on fire.  
  
“Yeah, he came by this morning to talk to me. I hope I didn’t wake you-.”  
  
“My alarm went off before you knocked. Thank you for the soup. I’m gonna go lie down,” I whispered. He nodded. I closed the door as he walked away and I sat up in bed and tried to eat a little bit of soup. I wondered if Roy was ever going to tell me he was disappointed in me for what I did. I’d been waiting for him to chew me out since I’d started walking again. I put the bowl to the side and thought about Roy showing up last night. He was always that way. You could push him away all you want but when you really needed him he’d come out of nowhere. I loved that about Roy, but I hated him for it after the accident. I didn’t want to look him in the face, let alone watch him try to fix me. I wasn’t a kid anymore. I didn’t need him to look out for me. I’m lying. I need Roy Harper. I need to tell him what happened that night.


	7. Welcoming Committee

### Kyle 4: Welcoming Committee

###    
Roy spent the night in Jason’s room. I heard Roy yelling that night. I wanted to talk to him. I wanted to ask about our last conversation. I wanted to ask if he and Jason were still friends or if he just said what he said to be polite. It wasn't my business. He met me for breakfast and for a while we ate wordlessly. “Is he okay?” Roy nodded.  
  
“Yeah he’s all right. He flipped out... He’s fine,” Roy mumbled. I heard Jason scream that night. It wasn't my business, but I was concerned. Roy looked exhausted. “You heard him last night?” I nodded. “You speak to any of the other dancers?” I felt shaken at the question. I wasn't good at meeting new people, I was just good at getting to know the ones I’ve been around. I think that’s what being shy is.  
  
“I um… I-.” Roy shook his head.  
  
“I kind of figured. Listen today I think you should warm up with the class today. I think it’ll be fun,” he laughed.  
  
“What’s so funny?”  
  
“You’re head of costume design and don’t know any of the dancers yet. I mean you know Jason but he’s just one corypheé.” He was right. I had a job to do and only a few months to do it. “I don’t mean to be rude-.”  
  
“Oh no, no. Jesus no. You’re right,” I smiled. I reached for my coffee and I paused. “Can you introduce me to some of the dancers today?” He nodded and drank the rest of his orange juice.  
  
“Stay here, I’m gonna introduce you to a friend of mine. She’s a soloist,” Roy whispered. He got up and I took a sip of coffee and a dark-haired young woman with serious eyes. “Our current female soloist, Jade. Jade, meet Kyle Rayner our new head of costume design. ” She gave him a puzzled look.  
  
“There is no costume design team though? It’s literally just him, and a few people from corps who sew better than they dance,” she joked. I laughed.  
  
“Dancers that sew?” Roy pulled her seat out for her and she made eye contact with him before pulling his out.  
  
“Funny,” he smiled before having a seat.  
  
Jade whispered something to Roy and he shrugged. “Yeah, there’s been a few issues with costume design over the years… You’ll be fine though.”  
  
“Issues?”  
  
“Clashing personalities, all an ego thing. Oh, are you free later, I wanted to discuss my solo performance with you. I need to talk to you too Harper, if that’s all right.” She whispered in his ear and he shook his head. As soon as her facial expression changed he pulled her hair back and whispered something to her. “Okay, but I’m holding you to it Harper.” She took a bite of his french toast and kissed him on the cheek. “Nice meeting you Kyle.” She shook my hand and I nodded at her.  
  
“Likewise Jade,” I smiled. As soon as she was gone I leaned and asked if they were a couple. He shrugged.  
  
“We’re good friends,” he smiled, “Also, if you’re concerned about Jason don’t use a mediator. Just go ask him how he is.” I took a deep breath.  
  
“You’re right. Are you always going to be right?” He finished his french toast and nodded.  
  
“Yeah, I think that’ll be my thing. It was time for me to get a new schtick anyway,” Roy smiled. Once he was gone I decided to return Jason’s kindness and bring him something to eat. Our conversation was brief and I went back to my room to grab a sketchbook. It was my first real moment alone in the day. I sat in a cloth chair and I heard a door open and shut. Jason? I shook off the thought and the phone on my desk rang.  
  
“Hello,” I answered.  
  
“Is Roy with you,” Jason asked.  
  
“Jason? How'd you call me?”  
  
“The number of your room. It's your extension… Is Roy with you?”  
  
“No, I was just with him though.” He coughed.  
  
“Sorry… Um, if you see him again can you tell him I wanna say I'm sorry,” he whispered. I paused.  
  
“Yeah, of course Jason. I hope you feel better,” I whispered.  
  
“Thank you.” He hung up.  
  
I went back to sketching and I found myself thinking about how excited I was to work with dancers before I got there and I imprinted on the first dancer that I met. It was dumb but what else could anyone expect from me. Jason was handsome, his eyes so telling, his jaw strong, his lips… Fuck. Of course I'd develop immediate feelings for someone who hated my guts from day one. I closed my eyes and tried to force the thought from my mind. I couldn't shake it. I took a deep breath. Stop it Rayner. I stood up and left my room to go to the garden before bumping into Jason. “Hey shouldn’t you be in bed?”  
  
“I just wanted to see Roy,” Jason mumbled, “I wanted to talk to him.” He looked confused.  
  
“Maybe you should sit down. You don’t look so good-.” He shook his head. “I’ll go get him for you. You just don’t look well-.” He wavered and I reached out to steady him.  
  
“Don’t touch me,” he hissed and he backed into the wall. I backed away. “I didn’t… You caught me off guard.” He couldn’t look at me. I wondered why he couldn’t look me in the eye. I wondered why he was so cold towards me.  
  
“I’m sorry. Listen, let me get Roy for you. Did you call him?” He shook his head. “I’ll go get him.” I went to the garden and looked around before Jade came up to me.  
  
“Hey, something wrong?” I shook my head.  
  
“No, do you know where I can find Roy?” She nodded and called his name out. He popped up out of nowhere and came and sat down.  
“I just saw you like twenty minutes ago? What’s going on?”  
  
“Jason said he wanted to talk. He’s waiting for you outside his room… I think I’ll stay here,” I mumbled. He nodded and smiled at me before giving Jade a peck on the cheek.  
  
“Hold me to it Jade,” Roy smiled and he was on his way.  
  
“Well, looks like I’ve got you right where I want you,” Jade smiled, “I just want to play you the song from my solo and see what you wanna do for me from there.” I nodded.  
  
“Sounds good Jade,” I whispered and she put a stereo down on the bench and pressed play.  
  
“Rěverie,” she whispered and sat down opposite from me. I opened my book and I looked at her before closing my eyes. I wanted to thank her for reminding me why I really came there. It felt good to be able to do whatever I wanted with her design.  
  
“Long or short Jade?” There was silence. “Jade?”  
  
“Short.” I looked up at her and nodded. “Are you attracted to Jason?” I dropped my sketchbook.  
  
“Whoops! Um, fuck, I-. Uh, what do you mean,” I asked. She chuckled.  
  
“Worst case scenario he doesn’t know and I tell him. Feel lucky Kyle?” I froze. “I’m just kidding. I’m terrible but not that terrible. I get it, he’s cute. He’s got the eyes and the face that kind of makes you want to fall for him. I think it’s cute. I honestly wasn't sure the other day when I saw you but hey, your secret’s safe with me.”  
  
“What about you and Roy?”  
  
“Oh that, we’re not-. I just-... You’re just screwing with me,” she laughed, “Yeah there’s something but it’s kind of a mess right now and I wanted to talk to him about it…” She leaned in to peek at my sketchbook.  
  
“Just a minute,” I laughed, “At least let me finish. Besides, I wanted to ask you about the whole soloist thing. What’s a corypheé and how far below is that from a soloist?”  
  
“A soloist is directly below principal. A corypheé is below me directly and tends to be like supporting cast members and then there’s corps directly underneath. Does that make sense?” I nodded. “Hey Kyle?”  
  
“Yeah?”  
  
“Do you take specific notes?”  
  
“Sure, yeah.” I looked up at her.  
  
“The color, I want it green,” she smiled. I wrote it down in the top corner of my sketchbook.  
  
“Give me a few days and I’ll come back to you with something,” I whispered. She nodded.  
  
“Where’d you work before this?”  
  
“Theater in New York,” I whispered. She leaned in. “I liked it, I really did but it wasn't inspiring enough. I mean, it was like I was following a blueprint. I didn’t really get to have my own mindset-. My own vision for things. I dunno, I just wanted something different. It wasn’t an ego thing, it was a creative issue. I loved working in theater. I really did, but I couldn’t sit there and pretend it was something I felt passionate about.”  
  
“Jesus Kyle, I really do get that. I thought you were gonna say something stupid like you fucked an actor or something,” she laughed. She pulled her hair back and smiled.  
  
“No, it wasn't at all like that,” I laughed. I didn't mind being inside their world, their small Roman castle. I didn't mind the cold that I felt in Jason’s presence. Day four wasn't so bad. Being there wasn't so bad. Home sweet home Kyle Rayner.


	8. Spring Cleaning

### Jason 4: Spring Cleaning

###    
I had to speak to Roy, I didn’t care how much it hurt me to. I had to speak to him so that someone could understand. I just wanted to get it off my chest while I was still a little out of it. Kyle asked me to wait. He was patient. I snapped at him and he didn't say a word in anger towards me. He just asked me to stay put while he went to talk to Roy. I sat with my back against my door looking out into the hallway. I just needed to stay awake. “Jason, what the hell are you doing?”  
  
“I didn't explain,” I mumbled, “I didn't explain that night.” I stood up and opened my door. “I want to talk to you alone.”  
  
“Okay, but can you sit down or lay down?” I nodded and sat up in my bed. “What’s wrong?” I felt like everything fell in on me and I felt the world close in on me. I took a deep breath.  
  
“You told me I could talk to you about what happened,” I chewed on my thumb.  
  
“Jason, what’s this about?”  
  
“I can’t stop thinking about the nightmare… The accident, and I feel so guilty. Roy-.”  
  
“It was four years ago, you didn't hurt anyone. Jason, no one is angry at you,” Roy whispered. I nodded as if to nod away his words. I started to speak but I couldn’t hear myself. I just thought about the hours leading up to the accident. I thought about how happy I was before the day began. I was going to be leading male in Ondine. I would be Palemon. I went to my final fitting, almost skipping to the fitting room. That’s when it started to fall apart. I thought it was a slip of the hand at first, I swatted him away. I don’t remember speaking but I remember him grabbing me and I remember struggling. I remember leaving the room half-dressed, terrified. I went to my room in a panic. Stop crying Jason. Stop crying. Say something. I dug my nails into my thighs and I wanted someone to come and check in on me. I wanted someone to look for me. I cleaned up and got dressed. I had to. I had to go to the party. I didn't drink. I’d never drank anything in my life but I couldn’t force a smile. I got shitfaced and it didn't make me happy. It made everything worse. I tried to speak to Bruce. I tried to tell him. He wasn't listening. _Yes I know I’m drunk, please Bruce listen. _He kept interrupting me. You don’t understand! He raised his voice. He raised his hand. You want to hit me? Bruce you were going to hit me. I took a knife from the serving table in his office and I backed out.  
  
_Jason don’t. Listen. _I broke down and cried. He wasn't going to listen. _Jason wait. I’m sorry. _  
  
_Don’t fucking touch me! Stay back! _I couldn’t breathe. I felt trapped. I backed out of the door and everyone stared at me. I felt like they wanted to hurt me. I felt like I was going to get hurt if I didn't get out and then I saw Roy. He looked at me with those horse-taming eyes and I shook my head. _Don’t touch me! _  
  
Roy nodded and I couldn’t look at any other face but his. _Jason put the knife down. What happened? _I wanted to stop crying. I wanted everyone to stop looking at me. I wanted the party to be over. I wanted to go lie down. I wanted Bruce to listen to me. _Why are you crying? Breathe Jason. _I waved the knife at him and he backed away. I tried to back out of the door leading outside and I stumbled.  
  
_Jason come back inside. We can fix this. _I shook my head at Bruce and I wasn't sure where or how I got the keys but I started the car and I drove straight into a tree which then in turn fell on the car, crushing me. I froze up. I just sat there with my hands on the wheel. It wasn’t until I started to see all the blood that I knew what happened. I couldn’t call out for help, so I sat there bleeding until I lost consciousness. I didn’t wake up for about a week and when I did it was to news articles and nurses. Bruce called a few times, but the accident not only hurt my body it hurt my mind. It was months before I could really sit with people and hold a conversation. I slept a lot. Roy wanted to come see me, but I didn’t want to look at him. It happened so long ago, I didn’t think I could explain. I called Bruce once just to hear his voice. He didn't answer. I told him I wasn't coming back.  
  
I felt Roy hug me and I came back to my body. “Jason, I’m sorry. I wasn’t angry at you. I’m sorry I didn't follow you that night.” I could barely move and all I wanted was to hug him back. “Jesus Jason. I’m here Jaybird.” I held him close to me. “That wasn't your fault. I know you feel bad but it wasn't your fault.” I didn't want to let him go. It had been so long since I had a real hug.  
  
“I could’ve hurt someone,” I cried. He shushed me and rubbed my back.  
  
“It’s okay. It really is okay Jason. No one got hurt. That’s not something that you have to worry about anymore. It’s okay. Jason, you can rest now. It’s okay… We will talk more when you feel better. I just want you to get some rest.” I nodded. “You’re gonna get some rest?”  
  
“Mhm,” I nodded. He kissed my forehead and I laughed. It felt good to tell him. It felt good to laugh.  
  
“I’m serious, I hear that you’re trying to go to class or something I’m gonna be pissed,” he whispered. He was smiling. “I promise you we will talk.” I nodded and he stood up to go. I laid down once he was gone and curled up in a ball under the blankets and I slept. I really slept and I wasn’t torn apart by nightmares or by guilt or duty to Talia. I slept.  
  
I woke up feeling much better and I took a shower, got dressed, and I felt anxiety rise like bile in my throat. I shook it off and walked to Talia’s room. “Talia?” I knocked and she answered smiling at me.  
  
“You look so much better, how are you?” She looked like she hadn’t seen me in a while.  
  
“I feel a lot better… What time is it,” I asked.  
  
“It’s morning darling,” she smiled, “Will you be okay to dance today?” I nodded. “Go eat something and come talk to me,” she whispered. I nodded. I was nervous but I knew that casting was coming up. I knew Jade had already gotten her solo, and I knew by the tone of her voice that she wasn't angry with me. I went to the dining room and I saw Roy and Jade talking to Kyle, laughing with him. Roy saw me before I could turn away. He looked concerned and I knew I told him everything but I couldn’t remember how long ago that was. He got up and touched Jade’s shoulder and he ran over to talk to me.  
  
“You okay?” I nodded.  
  
“Talia wants to talk to me… I should probably eat something,” I whispered. Roy punched my shoulder.  
  
“Okay, you wanna sit with us, or you wanna sit with just me,” he asked.  
  
“I can sit with everyone. I’m okay,” I whispered. I wanted to believe it but I could feel my hands shaking. “I’m nervous.”  
  
“That’s okay,” Roy whispered. I nodded and went to go make my plate. French toast, no syrup. “I don’t know how you do that.”  
  
“Do what?”  
  
“No syrup? Isn’t it dry,” he asked. I know he was just teasing.  
  
“Syrup’s too sweet…” I filled a glass with water with my free hand and went to sit down with the group.  
“Good morning Jason,” Kyle whispered. I looked up at him and straight into his eyes. I never noticed they were green before.  
  
“Good morning.” Jade stuck her fork in Roy’s plate and he playfully tapped her hand.  
  
“Jade, don’t you ever just feel content eating your own breakfast?” She smiled.  
  
“I like yours better.” Jade turned to me and looked me over. “Don’t assume anything from what I’m saying Jason… I think something good is going to happen for you today. I just have a feeling.” I smiled.  
  
“I hope so, but I don’t really think so.” She nodded. I bit into my french toast.  
  
“She asked to speak to you privately after breakfast?” I swallowed hard and washed it down with water.  
“Yeah…”  
  
“If she looked like she was happy she was, she hates to give bad news. She’d rather just give good news privately. You probably got a big part in Frankenstein,” she smiled.  
  
“Casting starts this soon,” Kyle asked.  
  
“It’s started a little late,” I whispered, “We needed a new head for your department.” He looked at Jade and laughed.  
  
“From what I heard I am the department,” he smiled and before I could even smile he closed up. I didn’t say anything further. I just ate. I was in a hurry anyway. I thought about Jade saying that Talia never liked to give bad news and she was smiling. I couldn’t get there fast enough.  
  
“Talia?” She smiled at me and we stood on the wall.  
  
She pulled me in and whispered, “How would you like to be my Victor Frankenstein?” My hands shook.  
  
“Talia, did I hear you correctly,” I asked. I hadn’t performed since before the accident. She nodded eagerly. I sank to the floor and took a few deep breaths. Jade was right. I was lead. I worked so hard and I was going to be lead, I was finally going to be lead. “Yes.” She knelt in front of me and I almost knocked her over hugging her. “Thank you so much.” She stood up and smiled.  
  
“I’ll see you in an hour?” I nodded. She kissed me and I kissed her back. I hadn’t felt that excited about anything since she asked me to join her company. She stood up and I followed her to her room. It felt like it’d been forever since we’d really been alone together. I think I could be good enough.________________


	9. Saved Date

### Kyle 5: Saved Date

###    
Jason got the lead. Victor Frankenstein. I settled in nicely, the dancers took to me kindly and quickly, and I had so much work to do I didn’t really have time to think about Jason or how different he’d started to look and act. I sometimes sat in on their warm ups and I watched them learn the steps. Sometimes I’d see Jason outside of class, but it was rare. Jade and I ended up deciding on one specific look for her solo piece, I’d even managed to start on it myself in all the chaos. It’d been two months since I started and it really started to feel like I belonged there. My days were long, my nights were comforting, and I’d finally made friends, good ones. Three months until the big night. Rose, the Elizabeth to Jason’s Victor, spent most of her time by Jason’s side. They ate together, went to the garden together, rehearsed together, and I imagined sometimes that they were really in love. I couldn’t be upset, I didn’t know him all that well. They looked sweet together, they looked happy. Especially that one morning in August, right before the big red circle on the dining hall calendar. It was nice seeing them together, talking so closely, laughing, and then from across the room Jason looked at me and smiled. It was the first smile he ever gave me. I smiled back and he waved me over. Lunch with Jason, how rare. I sat down with them and Rose greeted me.  
  
“Rose and I were wondering if you had any sketches for Victor and Elizabeth yet,” Jason asked. I nodded.  
  
“I have a few ideas if you guys wanna come see after lunch-.”  
  
“I can’t actually, I have something... I have to go get new pointe shoes before the afternoon rehearsal,” Rose whispered, “That okay Jason?” He nodded and she got up to leave. “If I’m late can you tell Talia where I am?”  
  
“Yeah, of course,” he smiled and he turned to me once she was out of sight, “I kind of wanted to talk to you alone. I’ve been… I’ve been terrible to you and you didn’t do anything to deserve it. I’m sorry.” He reached out to shake my hand.  
  
“No hard feelings, and you and Rose look really happy together,” I smiled.  
  
“Rose and I? Oh um, no we’re not together… Anymore,” he whispered, “I uh… It was a long time ago.” He looked like he didn’t really want to talk about it.  
  
“I know you’re really busy but um… Do you still wanna go see what I’ve got for you?” He nodded and got up to go to my room. I followed him and unlocked my door, and left it open as I had before with him. He sat in the chair in the middle of the room. I took my sketchbook off the bed and flipped through the pages to find my Victor sketches for Jason and I handed the book to him. “If there’s anything that you want me to change or any notes you want to make-.”  
  
“You took note of my hair?” I nodded. “I like this one. I like the red.” I smiled. “Can I ask you something?”  
  
“Sure?” Jason leaned forward in his chair.  
  
“Roy and Jade,” he smiled, “Did you notice?” I looked at him waiting for him to elaborate. “They’ve been sitting together ever since you came.”  
  
“Oh no, I didn’t-. I had nothing to do with that,” I smiled. Jason looked at me for a moment and chewed his lip. “Everything all right?” He nodded.  
  
“I was just… You have marker on your face,” he whispered and he took the bottom of his sweater and wiped my cheek. “Thanks,” I laughed uncomfortably and his serious blue eyes never left me.  
  
“I’m gonna go take a quick nap,” Jason whispered and he closed my door behind him. I thought about the way that he stared at me and I lay back on my bed and I remembered his eyes and how he looked at me. I thought about how he reacted when I asked about Rose. Was he-. Was he attracted to me? I thought about his smile today, how happy he looked. I even thought about how gloomy he looked when we first met and I wanted him. I thought of him in his tights and I tried to shake the thought from my mind before it got to be too much, but I couldn’t get rid of the thought. Someone knocked on the door and I got out of bed and locked myself in my bathroom.  
  
“Door’s unlocked!” I couldn’t think straight so I turned the shower on.  
  
“I can come back.” Jason. He just left. Why did he come back? I turned the shower off and I stood there at my door.  
  
“I’ll be out in a minute if you just wanna wait a second,” I answered. Why would I do that? “Something wrong?”  
  
“No, it can wait. I’ll ask later,” he replied and he was gone. My door shut behind him and I peeked out of my bathroom door to make sure and I waited for my head to clear. I couldn’t get him out of my mind and I just gave in and stood there thinking of Jason and I. I thought of his lips and his hands and his eyes looking into mine. I wanted him. I wanted to breathe him in, feel his hips, taste his skin. I wanted to be inside of him, I wanted him to say he wanted me. I couldn’t take the thought of him saying my name. Kissing me. Touching me. Touch me. Touch. Kiss. Fuck. I took a few deep breaths and stood there with my hand down my pants and I tried to regather my senses. I needed to take a shower. I needed to close my eyes. I ran a bath and slipped out of my clothes and into the warm water.  
  
Once my mind cleared of all my thoughts of him I felt awful. I wondered if maybe he was just trying to be nice and I let my own thoughts of what he was doing get the best of me. It didn’t change the fact that I was attracted to him and it didn’t make me want to ask him out any more than I had in the past months. I wondered if it was as bad as I thought. I wondered if it was bad to think of asking him out on a date. He was busy. I was busy. I’d never seen him leave the building, not even once. Maybe he was waiting for me to ask. Maybe he was he kind of guy that liked to be asked on dates. Maybe he was the kind of guy who wasn’t even into guys. Was I assuming? I’d only seen him act flirtatiously once or twice and that was towards women. I didn’t know if he was straight or not. Shit.  
  
I got dressed and looked at my clock. I had twenty minutes until the next rehearsal to speak to him. I knocked on his door and he answered almost immediately. “My birthday’s coming up. Do you wanna hang out or something, they’re not rehearsing a scene with Victor so I was… It’s okay if you’re busy… I know I haven’t been-.”  
  
“Like a date?” His eyes widened.  
  
“Um… I-. Kind of yeah, Roy and Jade’ll be there and we’re going to Jade’s to pick her up and eat dinner,” he whispered, “I wasn’t all that kind to you when we met and I know it’s dumb to think-.”  
  
“I was gonna ask you. I just… Your birthday,” I whispered. He nodded. “Yes, yes I’ll go with you.” I smiled.  
  
“Thanks Kyle,” he shook my hand and then he was gone. What the hell was that? One day I’m absolutely detestable to him and months later he –without warning– wants to go on a date with me on his birthday. I wondered if Roy knew how Jason felt about me. I wondered if Jade knew. Did I misinterpret Jason’s relationships with Talia and Rose? Talia. Pfft. What was I thinking? I didn’t have a clue of what was what anymore and then I bumped into Rose.  
  
“Hey Rose,” I whispered, “Do you have a second?”  
  
“Depends what the second is for…” She pulled her hair up in a bun and made eye contact with me.  
  
“I wanted you to see the sketches I have?” She nodded and stood at my door and waited while I went in my room to go get my sketchbook and I flipped over to her pages and handed it to her. “If you have any notes-.”  
  
“I know exactly which one I like best, but I have one note,” she whispered.  
  
“Sure,” I asked.  
  
“Can you make this dress off-white, maybe a cream color?” I nodded.


	10. A Rose by Any Other Name, Elizabeth

### Jason 5: A Rose by Any Other Name, Elizabeth

###    
Four months before the big show, and everything had quickly become so hectic. The routine was the exact same, except Roy and I were speaking again and he knew everything. Roy didn’t push me to talk about things right away, he knew how important Frankenstein was to me, and I appreciated him for it. I think I was starting to feel happy again. I wasn’t having sex with Talia as often anymore, because things had become complicated enough with Rose being my Elizabeth.  
  
I spent a lot of my time with Rose and I think it was easier to be normal with her because she understood me. She understood how badly I wanted to be good enough. I think even with how badly things ended between us she still cared about me. I cared for her too, I just don’t think it was ever romantic.  
  
I remember when we were together, it was about a year after Talia and I had sex the first time, and we were inseparable. We rehearsed together, we ate together, we took walks around the seemingly endless castle we called Shadows, and when we were alone, we had sex. It felt like I’d moved into her room. We rehearsed for six-to-twelve hours together in a day, sometimes we were so enraptured with one another we would skip meals just to rehearse together. It’s intimate to dance together, especially during a pas de deux. It’s hard for me mentally not to feel deeply romantically involved with someone when we have a pas de deux to rehearse, it’s a consuming feeling. I just wanted to melt into her, be with her at all times, I wanted to know her inside and out. It was fun until it wasn’t.  
  
Love doesn’t feed you, love isn’t sleep, love isn’t remembering to rub topical pain relief on your back after a long day, love isn’t an unstable obsession. We snapped on each other over breakfast. I ate off of her plate and she huffed. I had skipped two meals in a row to be with her the previous day, I was starving. “For fuck’s sake Rose,” I muttered and the argument got so heated she threw ice water on me and Jade had to drag her out to the garden. It stung to let go but for a long time all I could see when I looked at her was hatred. I hadn’t even realized I stopped feeling that way until Talia cast her as Elizabeth. I think I was kind of relieved that Talia chose her, we worked well with one another, but I think a lot of people were worried.  
  
I could see how everyone thought we were falling right back into the same old mess. We were eating together, walking together, constantly rehearsing with one another. The only difference was I didn’t love her like I did before and I don’t think she loved me either. “Jason, remember that problem we used to have during our first pas de deux?”  
  
“I know, I promise today I’ll try and remember,” I whispered. She gestured for eye contact and I smiled at her. “Rose, I’m sorry.” She looked up from her lunch and looked me right in the eye.  
  
“About?” She smirked. I knew she wanted to hear me say it. Neither of us had apologized. I was more wrong than she was. I knew I was.  
  
“I’m sorry about the way I treated you and I never should’ve ended things that way. There’s no excuse.” She brushed her knuckle across my chin and we smiled at each other.  
  
“I’m sorry that I treated you the way I treated you too, and I’m sorry our pas de deux crashed and burned. We’ll be much better this time. I mean that,” she whispered, “And can I finally ask you Jason?”  
  
“Ask me what?” She leaned in and grabbed my hand.  
  
“You and Roy are talking again, what happened?” I ran a hand through my hair and shrugged.  
  
“I told him about the day of the accident. I told him everything,” I whispered, “I promise I’ll talk to you about it too but I… It’s still difficult.” She looked at me and I got ready to get up.  
  
“Jason, you don’t ever have to tell me if you don’t want to. I’m not going to hate you for not telling me, but I am gonna hate you if you drop me today,” she teased. I smiled. “I’m serious. Don’t drop me today.” I nodded and cleared the table. Roy ate with Kyle and Jade as he’d been doing for the past few months. Everyone loved Kyle, they said he was nice, they said he made them feel included. All the dancers thought he was a nice guy, especially Jade and Roy. They’d gotten so close. Sometimes I would see Roy grab her hand and I could see the look on her face and how happy she was. I loved that they were happy.  
  
The last time Talia and I slept together it was so strange for me. I realized lying there beside her that we were always looking over our shoulders hoping that no one could hear us or see what we were doing. I couldn’t look at her afterwards. I got dressed and I left quickly into the night. We never talked about it, we never even acknowledged it outside of her bedroom walls, she’d never once stepped foot in my room, and I think that small detail of our relationship went unnoticed by her until Roy spent the night when I was sick. Sometimes she would catch me alone and stand there waiting for me to invite her in, but I couldn’t. There were things about me that I wanted private, I understood that our relationship was purely physical, and I didn’t want that to turn into something that I couldn’t turn my back on. I know how terrible it sounds, but she and I would prove to be more volatile than Rose and I had ever been. I didn’t want to go through what I did with Rose with Talia.  
  
I told Roy about Talia soon after I was casted as Victor, how long it’d been going on, how I felt about her. He seemed concerned but he sat there quietly for a while. “Why’d you feel like telling me this?” He wasn’t harsh, he was calm and cool. “Do you want my advice?”  
  
“I don’t know… I just wanna know how you feel about it,” I whispered. He took off his hat and hooked it on his belt loop.  
  
“Okay, I think sometimes it’s obvious that she uses rehearsal to hold you guys’ personal relationship over your head. Like the fouettes,” he whispered. I bit my lip. “I dunno, maybe that isn’t what you wanted to hear, but it’s not the same thing as dating another dancer or a crew member. She’s basically your boss and she controls whether you move up or not.”  
  
“I think she’s hard on me because she knows how bad-.”  
  
“I think she’s taking advantage of the fact that you don’t think you’re good enough. You’re an accomplished dancer Jason. You almost died a few years back, you fought hard not knowing if you’d ever be able to dance again and look at how accomplished you are now,” he whispered. Tears fell from my eyes and I didn’t believe him. I couldn’t believe him. Every day that I dance in the studio I think of all the things I’ve failed to accomplish. I could be good enough but I wanted to be better, I knew I could be better. “Jason… I know you hear me but you’re not ready to listen and that’s okay. I don’t want to put too much on you right now because you’ve got a lot of work to do these next few months but maybe just chew on that for a little while?” I nodded and wiped my tears away.  
  
“Did you mean what you said, about me being a good dancer?” He smiled and nodded.  
  
“‘Course I did Jaybird.” I smiled a little and nodded.  
  
“Thanks Roy.” I did think about what he said even though I wanted to feel like Talia cared deeply for me but class was about to start and we had to rehearse.  
  
Rose was already in the studio when I got there and I sat across from her while we stretched. “Have you been crying?” I shrugged.  
  
“I’m fine. I just spoke to Roy,” I whispered. Rose pulled her hair up in a bun and looked me in my eyes.  
  
“Are you sure you’re okay? If you’re not and you drop me-.”  
  
“Do you think that I get singled out in our rehearsals?” She looked shocked at first but then she nodded and went back to stretching.  
  
“You couldn’t see it yourself,” she asked. I shook my head. “It might be because she thinks you can handle it being that you two have been buddy buddy since you followed me here,” she joked.  
  
_Rose I’m trying to be serious with you. Stop joking and look at me. _“So you do think so?”  
  
“Yeah, I do. I know you’re thinking heavy about something but I need you to get out of your head and be with me right now, okay? I need you to look at me and tell me that you’re gonna focus on rehearsal today, yeah?” I nodded. “I need you to say it.” She reached out and tried to tickle me and I grabbed her hands.  
  
“I’m gonna focus today. I mean it,” I whispered. I lay on my back and stretched.__


	11. Birthday, Party of Four

### Kyle 6: Birthday, Party of Four

###    
Jason’s birthday. I got him a sweater because what the hell else do you get for a person you don’t know very well. I didn’t wear a tie but I had one rolled up in my pocket just in case everyone was dressed up. I knocked on Jason’s door. “One second, I’m just looking for something!” I stood there quietly. Roy came down the hall and he was dressed nice but he still had his hat on. Thank god I didn’t put the tie on. “Okay, okay I’m ready!” He answered the door in black slacks and a white satin shirt.  
  
“You look good,” I smiled. Jason smiled and he locked the door behind him.  
  
“Thanks, you guys both look really good,” Jason whispered. Roy smiled and gave him a playful shove.  
  
“Ready to go to Jade’s,” Roy asked, “You guys have to sit in the backseat by the way since it’s kind of a double date… Is it a double date?”  
  
“Yes,” Jason answered and then he looked at me, “Unless it’s not a date?”  
  
“It is a date,” I smiled and Roy and I stepped out of the building. Jason stood in the doorway for a second and I reached out for his hand. Jason grabbed on and stepped outside with me and we sat in Roy’s car and without thinking I buckled Jason’s seatbelt for him and he laughed.  
  
“No, no I needed that that was nice,” he laughed. Roy relaxed his shoulders and I buckled my seatbelt. I smiled but not enough to cover up the fact that it made no sense for me to do that.  
  
“It was kind of cute,” Roy teased. I rolled my eyes. The drive to Jade’s wasn’t long, and when we got there she was waiting outside in a short dress and a long overcoat.  
  
“Happy birthday Jason. Hi Kyle,” she smiled.  
  
“Hi Roy, you look cute. Oh thanks Jade, you look stunning by the way,” Roy mumbled playfully and he kissed her on the cheek.  
  
“Roy you look gorgeous,” she laughed. Roy and Jade talked amongst themselves for most of the ride and Jason seemed anxious.  
  
“Hey, what do you usually do for your birthday,” I asked.  
  
“I don’t do much of anything anymore, this is the first year in a while that I’ve had plans… I know it’s dumb but I feel nervous like I feel like something bad’s gonna happen.” I took his hand.  
  
“I have pretty high hopes for this evening, I’ll be hopeful enough for the both of us,” I whispered. He squeezed my hand. “It’s okay,” I whispered and he nodded.  
  
“Yeah, Jade’s gonna feed me like an obnoxious girlfriend-.”  
  
“No I am not,” she laughed.  
  
“Come on Jason personally asked me to ask you to do this. It’s his birthday wish. Look at his face,” Roy teased.  
  
“Well you know what Jason asked me for, for his birthday? He asked me to ask you to stay over this weekend. He said it would be fun-.”  
  
“I didn’t say either of those things but they don’t sound like bad ideas,” Jason whispered and Roy chuckled. He still held tight to my hand and I didn’t mind. I liked how quickly he slipped out of his aversion towards me and I finally felt like maybe he’d open up to me. Roy and Jade went back to talking amongst each other. “Do you want to hang out after this if everything goes okay?” I nodded.  
  
“Yeah, of course.” Jason took a deep breath.  
  
“I think we’re here,” Roy whispered. Jason loosened his grip on my hand and unbuckled my seatbelt.  
  
“Now we’re even,” Jason smiled. I followed him out of the car and into the restaurant. Jade checked us in and we went ahead to our table. Jason and I sat next to each other, big smiles from Jade and Roy. We picked up the menus already at the table.  
  
“Roy and I are treating,” Jade replied. Roy nudged her.  
  
“You make it sound like that’s his gift from us,” Roy whispered. Jade took a deep breath and looked at Roy.  
  
“Where is his gift Roy,” Jade asked. Roy thought about it for a second and looked up at Jade. “Roy?”  
  
“I got dressed and I left the painting on the counter to look for my keys… I left our gift for Jason at Shadows-.” Jade sighed and took a sticky note out of her purse and wrote something down.  
  
“Listen, when the waiter comes order for Roy and I, it’s on the sticky note,” she whispered, “I’m gonna go with him and make sure he remembers to get your present.” Jade smiled at him. Roy followed her out and Jason looked at me.  
  
“I think ravioli, what about you Kyle,” he asked.  
  
“I always get pasta at places like this,” I whispered. “You and Rose used to date?”  
  
“Yeah it was a while back when we had a piece together… A pas de deux and it was crazy. We were always together-.”  
  
“Like now,” I asked. He took a sip of water and took a deep breath.  
  
“Not like now, because we’re not together anymore… Kyle why’d you come to Gotham,” he asked.  
  
“A lot of reasons I guess, I was bored. It was a random pick at best but Shadows was deliberate I guess. It seemed more personal here… Jason, you used to dance with GCS right? Why did you leave?” He took a second to react.  
  
“It’s a long story, but I didn’t feel right going back after the accident.” I leaned in.  
  
“What accident?” He seemed relieved that I didn't know. Was it common  
  
knowledge?  
  
“It was… I crashed a car into a tree a few years ago… I don't wanna get into  
  
things now but maybe… Once we get to know each other-. What are you doing here,” venom in his voice.  
  
“Jason, I had no idea you'd be here, but since you are here can we talk.” I didn't know anything about ballet but I would've known the deep and demanding voice anywhere if it had it not been for the gentle delivery of his words.  
  
“When have you ever wanted to talk to me Bruce,” Jason asked. Bruce lingered  
  
for a moment before answering.  
  
“It's not like any of this is about GCS Jason, can we just talk about this? I haven't  
  
seen or heard from you in nearly five years. I understood that you wanted space to be angry about what happened but-.”  
  
“This is not the time,” he almost hissed the words. Bruce nodded and gave him his card.  
  
“You're right Jason, I'm sorry. Have a happy birthday,” he whispered and he was  
  
off. Jason seemed shaken as I imagine anyone would've been bumping into an old boss.  
  
“If you want to go we can go,” I whispered, “I know it can be awkward to run into an old boss-.”  
  
“He wasn't just my principal, he was my father… And we can stay. He doesn't eat  
  
at places like this for his leisure. It's business.” I grabbed his hand and squeezed it and he smiled and nodded.  
  
“Besides, Jade and Roy are paying for dinner. We might as well enjoy it.” He forced a smile and nodded.  
  
“I shouldn’t be mad at him… But I can’t help,” Jason whispered, “But you’re right…” The waitress came over and I ordered for everyone and she was off. Jason sat there quietly stewing over some bread for the table that he’d picked over.  
  
“It’s your birthday, maybe you should open your gift before Jade and Roy come back with their really amazing gift and put me to shame,” I joked as I handed him the little gift box that I’d wrapped all on my own. He smiled at me and I gestured for him to open the box. He wiped his hands on his napkin and carefully tore the wrapping paper off. His face lit up when he opened the box.  
  
“I love it Kyle,” he smiled, “I can finally get rid of my other one like this.” _His other one? Oh fuck Kyle, he’s just being nice. He hates it. _  
  
“You can return it if you like-.”  
  
“No, I love it. It looks just like my favorite sweater, before it got torn and faded,” Jason beamed. _Maybe he did like it. _“Kyle, thank you. Thank you so much, not just for the sweater, thank you for coming.” I smiled at him.  
  
“Wouldn’t have said no for anything in the world.” It was silent for a moment and he let out a little laugh.  
  
“Wanna hear something ridiculous,” he asked. I looked puzzled.  
  
“Yeah, why not?” He seemed a little flustered.  
  
“I had a dream that we kissed last night,” he ran a hand through his hair and I chuckled.  
  
“That’s not crazy at all,” I whispered and then the silence again. I looked away for a moment and so did he. _Why couldn’t I kiss him right there? It felt too weird. Unreal. _  
  
Roy plopped down in his respective seat and Jade placed an art bag on the back of her chair. “Hey did you guys order,” Roy asked. We nodded.  
  
“Roy, you missed a button on your shirt,” Jason mumbled and he blushed. Jade rubbed her temples with the pads of her fingers.  
  
“I can explain-.”  
  
“Don’t explain Roy,” Jade whispered.  
  
“I won’t explain,” Roy nodded and let out a nervous chuckle. I laughed and Jason let out a little laugh. We ate and I watched him talk and he watched me talk and for the first time I finally got to see Jason for what he really was beneath the contemptuous and bitter exterior of the Jason I first met. Roy and Jade urged him to open his gift and he did slightly but I never saw it because he immediately closed the box back and he smiled gratefully. On the way home he fell asleep with his head on my shoulder and when the car stopped at Shadows he stirred and I just wanted him to lay there a little while longer. I wanted him to be near me a little while longer. I waited a while before whispering his name and he stretched out in his seat.  
  
“Are we home?”  
  
“We’re at Shadows yeah,” I whispered.  
  
“You wanna hang out a little longer Kyle,” he still hadn’t opened his eyes all the way. I unbuckled our seatbelts.  
  
“Yeah sounds good,” I whispered, “Sounds really good.”______


	12. Mr. Sandman

### Jason 6: Mr. Sandman

###    
I woke out of my sleep in a haze and I found myself speaking to Kyle without thinking and his voice was so soft. _Soft Kyle. Sweet Kyle. _He opened the door and I opened my eyes. He gave me his hand and helped me out of the car and I said goodnight to Roy and Jade. I followed Kyle in still drowsy, still holding his hand. “Jason, are you okay?” I held my gifts in hand and yawned.  
  
“‘M fine Kyle, still tired.” He unlocked his door. “I like you… I know it sounds dumb but-.”  
  
“Sounds cute, not dumb,” Kyle whispered and he opened his closet and pulled out a pile of blankets and put them on his bed. “Can I ask you something Jason? You don’t have to answer if you don’t want to.” I nodded and sat on his floor. “What did Roy and Jade get you?” I opened the box and pulled out the little scrapbook. He smiled. “They dug up your embarrassing childhood photos? Nice.” Kyle moved his chair and started making a canopy out of blankets and then he lay quilts on the floor.  
  
“Hey, I’m gonna go get my clothes from my room,” I whispered. I went immediately to get my pajamas and my ballet clothes for the next day. I took a shower and thought about Kyle and I wondered if he thought I wanted to have sex with him. I wondered if he’d feel good, if it’d feel good. I wondered if he would be rough. I wondered if he’d fall asleep immediately after, if he’d kiss me. I let out a breath of air. I just wanted to relish in the image of him on top of me and it all abandoned my mind and body in complete ecstasy. “Fuck,” I mumbled under the shower water and I quickly put on my pajamas and took tomorrow’s clothes with me across the hall.  
  
I opened Kyle’s door and I couldn’t see him. I heard his shower running. I wondered if he was doing what I just did. I wondered if he was trying to have a normal night. He came out a little faster than I did and he didn’t look like he’d-. _Nevermind. _“You sleep with friends?” I gave him a puzzled look. It seemed like a weird thing to say instead of just asking if I wanted to be with him that night. “No, like a stuffed bear or something. That’s not at all what I meant.”  
  
“Oh, um no, that was never really my thing here. I can sleep just about anywhere though… Are you tired?” He nodded.  
  
“Think I’ll take the cave, you can have the bed-.”  
  
“I don’t wanna put you out,” I whispered.  
  
“Don’t worry I was gonna sleep down here anyway.” I smiled.  
  
“Mind if I join you in the cave?” He shook his head and crawled down into the pillow fort and curled up under some blankets. I followed him in.  
  
“They didn’t sing you the song,” he whispered, “And it’s your birthday… No one sang you the song at all today.” Kyle looked particularly bothered by it.  
  
“You really don’t have to do that-.” He smiled and shook his head.  
  
“Happy birthday to you,” he paused long enough for me to groan and he continued singing while he sat up and before he could finish singing the absolute worst birthday song I have ever heard, I kissed him. He kissed back after the shock subsided and we didn’t have sex, but he did hold me. He pressed a kiss to my shoulder and I melted. He didn’t want to hurt me. He wasn’t going to hurt me. Tears fell from my eyes. I hoped he couldn’t see them. I hoped that he would just fall asleep and let me bask in his warmth in silence. I hoped that I would sleep through the night. “Goodnight birthday boy.”  
  
I took a deep breath and smiled. “Goodnight.” Silence. I fell asleep quickly and once I did sleep I had a nightmare that I was drowning in blood and when I woke up I could feel him stroking my hair and lulling me into a calmer state. It felt nice. He didn’t ask, he didn’t speak, he just hummed gently. I didn’t want him to stop. It made me think of GCS when I first started. I wondered if he’d ask about it in the morning and my breath caught. He didn’t falter in his rhythmic attempt at peacekeeping and it helped me. I think he might have lulled himself back to sleep. I drifted back into sleep and slept through the rest of the night. I woke up to his alarm. I felt his arms around me and then they were gone.  
  
“Good morning Jason,” Kyle whispered, “How’re you feeling?” I sat up and looked at him.  
  
“I’m good. I’m pretty good. You?” He smiled.  
  
“Listen you can get ready here first or if you wanna go…”  
  
“My clothes are in my room, but I’ll have breakfast with you this morning… And maybe we can hang out again after rehearsal tonight?”  
  
“Yeah of course,” he smiled, “I look forward to it.” I got up and went back across the hall to my room, showered, got dressed, and I looked in the mirror for a moment. I smiled. Rose knocked her little knock on the door. _LOUD. LOUD. soft. _I answered my door.  
  
“I’m very awake Rose, good morning,” I whispered. She smiled, her hair already pulled into a ponytail, her eyes always serious despite the big devious smile on her face. She knew something.  
  
“How was your birthday?” Her voice rose an octave.  
  
“I went to dinner… It was nice.” She nodded.  
  
“You spent the night in Kyle’s room,” she whispered, “Why didn’t you tell me you liked him?” I shrugged. She looked at me. “Do you wanna be alone with him during breakfast?”  
  
“Wh-. No, and I didn’t do what you think I did. I just slept there. I slept,” I clarified. She nodded.  
  
“Did you at least k-.” Kyle opened the door. _Thank god! _  
  
“Hey Rose,” Kyle smiled, “We were on our way to breakfast. Do you wanna join us?” _For fuck’s sake Kyle, I had something to ask you. In private. _  
  
“Sounds like fun, how was you guys’ date last night,” Rose asked. Kyle looked at me and I walked a little ahead of both of them wanting to know what he would say.  
  
“I had a good time, the restaurant gave us just enough food like usually that never happens at a restaurant,” Kyle answered, “But my favorite part of last night was the fact that we had a fourth grade style sleepover.”  
  
“My favorite part has to be between you buckling my seatbelt and you singing the worst birthday song I’ve ever heard in my life.” He laughed.  
  
“It wasn’t that bad, besides I’m pretty sure Roy’s can’t possibly be any better,” Kyle teased. I shook my head.  
  
“He used to sing the best birthday song ever, first birthday I ever had with GCS I cried. Which reminds me, Roy’s really big on the whole birthday thing. If you don’t want to make a big deal of your birthday I suggest you keep your birthday a secret.” We got in line and started to make our plates. “I had to beg him not to make a big deal of it this year.” We finally sat down and Rose sipped on some pink tea. Kyle took a deep breath and looked at me.  
  
“Not to be… Do you want to go with me to pick up fabrics later this week? I was thinking we could make a thing of it. Have the cast come and help me look at fabrics,” Kyle asked. I nodded. Roy sat down next to Rose and Jade came and sat on Roy’s lap.  
  
“Yeah it sounds like fun,” I whispered. I wondered if he was asking everyone to be polite to everyone at the table or if he meant to ask anyways. “Roy… Jade.”  
  
“Good morning,” Jade smiled, “How was your night?” Kyle smiled.  
  
“It was fun, thank you Jade. How was your night?” Jade grinned.  
  
“I’m not sure we had the same kind of night, but my night was pretty fun,” Jade laughed. Roy looked content.  
  
“We went to a movie, she’s teasing you,” Roy rested his chin on her shoulder. “What did you both do? Did you guys hang out after dinner?” I knew Roy meant well but I felt like he was hovering. I ate quietly.  
  
“Jason and I had a sleepover. We made a fort and then we slept. It was nice,” Kyle whispered. _Did he not remember me waking up? Was he waiting for me to say something? I just wanted to explain since I couldn’t explain everything else. Not yet anyway. _____________


	13. I Don't Know You

### Kyle 7: I Don’t Know You

###    
He slept quite a few hours before waking me to the sound of him choking and I turned him, assuming Jason was in the middle of an apneic episode but it didn’t stop and he didn’t look like he was choking. No. I paused at the sound of his voice and realized he was in the middle of a nightmare. I didn’t want to wake him and make him uncomfortable, so I tried to soothe him.He grew quiet and I drifted back off to sleep at the sound of my own voice. When I woke up again to the sound of my alarm hours later. Jason sat up and he looked at me with a sort of confusion on his face, like I was just a hallucination. He wasn’t completely awake yet so I gave him a second before asking how he felt. He didn’t seem like he was lying. The day seemed to distance us. Jason seemed as if he’d withdrawn once again. Jason left to class, I sat in to watch, we ate lunch together, Talia pulled him aside, and I didn’t see him again until rehearsal. Talia was tougher on him than she usually was. Tougher than I’d ever seen her.  
  
_Straighten your back Jason. Point your toes. Lift your head. Shift your weight. _Then she screamed at him. Everyone froze. Jason didn’t. He went back into prep and reattempted. Roy hurried down the steps.  
  
“Talia I have a question about the lighting,” he whispered. His tone suggested he had another topic of conversation in mind. She nodded and followed him up the steps to the control room. Jason didn’t seem to crack under the immense pressure or the deafening silence. He continued to rehearse and the biggest guy in the class grabbed his arm.  
  
“You did good.” I’d never heard him speak to anyone in the class before. His voice seemed to take control of the room even in a whisper.  
  
“I’m fine,” Jason mumbled. Talia came back down the steps and Jason turned to look at her. Not with a pleading look. Exhaustion.  
  
“Again,” Talia whispered and she waited for everyone to get back into position and she started the music. No commentary this time, just silence. Jason walked towards the back and grabbed a snack from Roy’s bag and sank to the floor. I watched as his hands shook. I sat next to him and opened the package for him. He nodded at me.  
  
“Jason, you okay?” He nodded. The class cleared out except for Rose and Talia and Roy who had both come back down from the control room.  
  
“I watched him today, everyone did. Why are you picking on him,” Rose snapped. Jason took a deep breath and lay his head back on the wall.  
  
“I’m not picking on him, maybe there’s something that you aren’t seeing-.”  
  
“I see it Talia. Jason told me-.” Jason sat up and swallowed hard.  
  
“Roy don’t,” Jason begged. I wanted to get up and leave but I couldn’t move.  
  
“What did Jason say,” Talia almost hissed. Jason tensed up.  
  
“I told him about us, I didn’t think that it would cause all this trouble,” he didn’t look up. Rose’s jaw dropped.  
  
“You and Talia? Jason you lied to me,” Rose yelled.  
  
“Rose it wasn’t like that then… It’s not even like that now. It’s rarely ever like that-.”  
  
“What was it like Jason?” Jason shook his head.  
  
“It’s no one’s business except mine and Talia’s because I wasn’t with anyone when I was with Talia…” Talia shot a look at him.  
  
“It’s not like it had to be a secret that he and I were together. Jason wanted to keep things to himself-.” Rose walked out.  
  
“I didn’t ever say that I wanted to keep things to myself Talia. You know that’s not how I wanted things. If I had known that you wanted to-.”  
  
“Why are you lying Jason?” Jason looked hurt. “You came on to me remember-.”  
  
“I didn’t that night. Maybe other times but not that time, you came on to me Talia! Why are you doing this?” I tugged at Jason’s sleeve.  
  
“Do you wanna get some air?”  
  
“Talia… Did I do something to you?” He got up and it was like he’d forgotten we were all there, we were all watching. He stood in her face and he couldn’t have looked more vulnerable if he had been standing there naked.  
  
“Not here.” He grabbed her hand.  
  
“Please tell me what I did Talia, can’t we fix this…” It was like the night he had with me never happened. It was like I didn’t exist at all.  
  
“Jason not here-.”  
  
“Talia, can’t you just speak to me here. I don’t have anything to hide… Please-.”  
  
“I don’t want you to become a soloist!” Jason walked out of the room without hesitation and I stood up to follow him. Roy stopped me.  
  
“Go check on Rose, I’ll talk to Jason.” I nodded and went straight to the garden where I saw Jade consoling an obviously upset Rose. I took a deep breath and made my way down the hallway in front of my room. I waited there for about thirty minutes and then I went to dinner. Roy came to dinner but Jason, Jade, and Rose didn’t. Roy gave me an apologetic look. “Kyle… I’m sorry,” he whispered.  
  
“You honestly don’t have to apologize to me. That had nothing to do with me… Is Jason okay,” I asked. Roy looked at me seriously.  
  
“You’ve got really thick skin… But no, he’s really shaken. He doesn’t want to talk to me… I screwed up-.”  
  
“You meant well… You just didn’t think things through. It’s better that he knows the truth,” I whispered as I picked over my potatoes. Roy frowned.  
  
“What do you really wanna say,” Roy asked. _What was I supposed to say? Was I just an experiment? Had he been with Talia while he was with Rose? Was Jason even worth the trouble? Hell, would he have discarded me once Talia had regained interest? How deep were his feelings for Talia? Did he really care about any of us? Was being a principal all that mattered to him? Why am I the only one that doesn’t know about why he left GCS? _  
  
“Maybe I imagined him better, less flawed than he was,” I mumbled, “Doesn’t matter what I think anyway it’s not like I know him…” Roy pushed my plate out of the way.  
  
“Maybe that’s what he needs right now,” he smiled. I looked at him.  
  
“Why would he want to talk to me? He didn’t even like me when I started here. I don’t think I’m the best person to talk to him right now… Maybe Jade-.”  
  
“Jade’s still with Rose, trying to keep her from killing Jason,” Roy whispered, “That could take forever. Please, just this once.” I sighed.  
  
“And what if it doesn’t work… What if he doesn’t wanna talk to me,” I asked.  
  
“I’ll know you tried as my friend… Please?” I nodded and dumped my food before making my way down to his room and I knocked on the door.  
  
“Leave me alone Roy!”  
  
“It’s not Roy,” I yelled back, “I just wanted to talk to you about literally anything else… Is that okay?” He opened the door a crack.  
  
“Come in, you’re the only one though, right?” I nodded and I stepped into his room. It didn’t look like it would be his room though. Plants hung neatly from the ceiling, the salt lamps, and the faint smell of rosemary. I didn’t expect his room to look so warm and inviting. “Are you upset with me?” I shook my head. “Do you remember last night?” I nodded. “Why didn’t you say anything?”  
  
“About last night? I figured you forgot about it or didn’t want me to bring it up. Can I ask what it was about? Is that what you wanted me to do?” He shrugged.  
  
“It was about the car accident,” he whispered. I sat in the big round chair of his and lay back.  
  
“Does Bruce have anything to do with the accident?” He looked confused and hurt by the question. “Does the accident have anything to do with how far you’re willing to push yourself?”  
  
“I guess it does but no… Bruce has nothing to do with it… I’m angry at what he did before the accident, but I was probably going to take that car anyways. Kyle, I don’t remember how I used to be before any of this anymore… Maybe I was dumb to think that I could make things simpler,” Jason whispered.  
  
“How were you trying to make things simpler?” I was hurt, I know I didn’t really have a right to be but I was.  
  
“I was going to stop having sex with Talia, have a real relationship, have friends, I thought it’d change things…” He lay on his bed and he opened his drawer. “I should’ve figured you would see me like everyone else does sooner or later.” He threw me a rolled up newspaper and I opened it.  
  
“A George Michael song?”  
  
“Yeah, I said the same thing when I read it the first time. That was what they had on the accident, I kept two articles on it. That was the one that I hated most.” I put the paper aside.  
  
“Are you ever going to let me know who you really are? Jason, I don’t care about what anyone thinks of you, I just want to know you.” He didn’t speak. “Are you worth getting to know Jason?”____


	14. Before I Leap

### Jason 7: Before I Leap

###    
I took a breath at his words. “I don’t know…” He nodded. I felt like he hated me. I let him into my room hoping he would tell me I was going to be all right but he told me what I needed to hear. I couldn’t be mad at him for saying what he had to say. He took things well enough but after that I kind of closed myself back off and for the next few weeks I just danced and ate and slept because I couldn’t say much to anyone. I didn’t know what to say. I just felt like an embarrassment. I embarrassed myself. Talia wasn't as hard on me as she had once been but the emotions between the two of us were almost nonexistent. Rose wouldn’t speak to me unless it was about the production.  
  
Things were changing. Then, Kyle came by one night. I don’t really remember why, but I remember it was late. He kissed me. I let him in my room and we had sex underneath my sheets in my bed. It was almost unreal. I remember how he tasted, how he smelled, I remember how his voice sounded in my ear. I remember how I wanted nothing more than to stay with him there forever. I wondered what he was thinking. I wonder why he decided to come by that night. When I woke up he was gone. I wondered if it was a dream, but it just seemed like it was the real deal when I opened my door to go to class only to see my first costume of three. No one but him could have left it there. I met with him at breakfast and he seemed chipper.  
  
A few weeks later I got a call from GCS. I figured Talia contacted Bruce about the upcoming performance. I wanted to hang up but he sounded strange on the phone.  
  
“Jason?”  
  
“Yeah Bruce,” I whispered.  
  
“Is now a good time to talk,” he asked. I sighed. “I’ve been wanting to ask… What did you want to tell me the night of the accident Jason?”  
  
“Why do you care now?”  
  
“I’ve cared for a long time, but I couldn’t get into contact with you until just now. Jason, I didn’t stop caring about you. Are you feeling okay at least,” he asked.  
  
“I’m okay. Why?” He grew quiet for a while. “Hello?”  
  
“I was wondering if it was okay for me to see Frankenstein in October. I won’t come if you don’t want me to-.”  
  
“You can come if you want,” I sounded furious against my better nature. I just wanted to tell him what happened. I wanted to tell him I missed him, I missed my brothers, that I wanted to come home and see them.  
  
“Maybe we can talk afterwards. I don’t want to distract you from work, I just wanted to hear your voice… Make sure you were okay Jason,” he seemed apologetic.  
  
“Okay Bruce… Tell the fellas I said hi,” I whispered.  
  
“I will Jason. Goodbye.”  
  
“Goodbye,” I whispered. I lay in bed for a while thinking about how sad he sounded. _Did Bruce really miss me? Was he really going to show up? _I drifted off to sleep and I dreamt of childhood. The warmly-lit halls of GCS, the sound of laughter, the way it felt to float above the ground. It almost felt like I never truly landed at GCS, I missed that about ballet. I dreamt of my brother’s voice. _Look before you leap Jay, you’re gonna hurt yourself. _He never screamed. He just made suggestions. He never once laughed when I made a mistake, he was always there. He was the first one I came out to, his friends were my friends. I wondered why he never came to see me after the accident. I wondered why I still cared so much.  
  
“Jason, are you awake?” I sat up.  
  
“What?”  
  
“You’re ten minutes late to class.” Kyle.  
  
“Huh?”  
  
“You’re ten minutes late to class Jason,” Kyle answered. I jumped out of bed and swung my door open. Kyle looked alarmed and he pushed me back in my room and closed the door behind him. “Jason, are you wearing a thong?” _My pants! _  
  
“It’s a dance belt, and I fell asleep… Kyle, can we talk on the way there,” I whispered as I pulled my tights and sweater on.  
  
“Is everything okay,” he asked. I nodded.  
  
“I just wanted to ask something about the other night,” I asked. He opened the door. “Did we-. Are we-.”  
  
“Mhm, it was real. Do you want to address it?” I bit my lip.  
  
“I just want to-. Yes, I want to address it.” He smiled and walked ahead of me and I ran to catch up with him.  
  
“What we’re not gonna do is chase after each other. If this,” he gestured to both of us, “Is gonna work I want to actually be able to have a real conversation with you. You wanna make this work Jason?” _He’s so cute when he’s straightforward. _“Yeah?” _So firm. _I licked my lips.  
  
“Yeah,” I smiled, “Kyle, can I be honest with you?” He nodded. “It’s been driving me crazy thinking about that night. I didn’t know that you could be-.”  
  
“You never asked. Now come on you’re late,” he whispered. I went to rehearsal and Rose looked furious with me.  
  
“Where were you,” she hissed.  
  
“Rose I took a nap,” I explained and she sighed.  
  
“You took a nap? Who did you take a nap with,” she asked. I rolled my eyes.  
  
“I slept by myself Rose, and it’s not like it’s any of your business. We’re not together Rose.” She looked at me and pulled me down by my sweater so I could look her in the eye.  
  
“Be honest with me-.”  
  
“Rosie,” I whispered, “I would never do something like that. Okay?” She didn’t want to believe me but she went to her spot and we rehearsed her final act. Rose stood up afterward and smiled at me.  
  
“Thanks for not dropping me.” I smiled and nodded. Kyle looked at me and I could only think about that night and him and how different he was.  
  
“Tonight,” he mouthed. I nodded. Tonight? That’s twenty minutes away Kyle. I’ll count the minutes. Where are we going? What are we doing? How long are we going to-.  
  
“Jason? You wanna run through this one more time,” Rose asked. I nodded. The rehearsal went by fast. I didn’t stop to speak to anyone, I took Kyle’s hand and I was out the door. I want you Kyle. I want you real bad. He stopped in the middle of the hallway and I didn’t realize how fast I was walking until he stopped. I almost fell.  
  
“Jason, hold on… I didn’t even tell you where we were going,” he laughed. I let go of his hand. What the hell does he mean? I thought he made himself pretty clear when he mouthed ‘tonight’ at me. Seems like a pretty clear message.  
  
“Where are we going?” He smiled and grabbed my hand.  
  
“Just a walk. I wanna talk to you, I wanna know you Jason,” he smiled. I let him put his coat over me and drag me along outside. “You grow up in Gotham?”  
  
“Mhm, sure did,” I whispered. He swung my hand back and forth.  
  
“You always call your dad Bruce,” he asked. _Oh not this Kyle. _  
  
“He wasn’t always my dad,” I answered. I didn’t give him any emotion.  
  
“Yeah? Who was your father before him,” Kyle asked.  
  
“A nobody…”  
  
“A nobody? Nobody to you or nobody to everyone else?” The air hit my cheeks and filled my lungs, I always liked the cold of Gotham.  
  
“Everybody. I don’t like to talk about him. Makes it easier to pretend I don’t miss him. What would he think of me now anyway? Would he be okay with me the way I am? I mean…” I let go of his hand and rubbed my forearm.  
  
“Jason, you don’t have to answer this but is he-.”  
  
“Yeah he’s gone… What of it?” He took my hand back from me and I felt like crying. I felt like he ripped open a wound, something I stuffed all the pain in and now it was flooding out of me and I couldn’t stop it. _Why the fuck do people talk about the past? All it does is hurt. It hurts so bad and you can’t stop it. I wish I could forget again. I wish it would all become a distant dream. _  
  
“It’s okay to be upset about it. I think that’s your problem… You feel like being upset is a weakness,” he whispered. I shrugged.”My parents are gone too… But Bruce he’s like a second father to you, right?” I nodded. “When’s the first time you really felt like that?”  
  
“I dunno, he was serious with me. Told me he wasn’t trying to replace anybody, he let me be me. Let me be angry when I was angry,” I paused. It felt like I said it all before to somebody else. _Different time. Different face. Fuck, I wish he would just make a joke or change the subject or something. _  
  
“What were you angry about?”  
  
“Everything I guess. Sometimes it felt like no one took me seriously. I was just a nobody, a kid who got lucky to them. So I got in fights, lots of ‘em. Bruce let me slide most times, but Dick never did. ‘Look before you leap,’” I smiled at the memory.  
  
“Who’s Dick?”  
  
“He’s my big brother… Kinda, I don’t know if it even counts anymore-.” He laughed. “What?”  
  
“Is he your brother or isn’t he?” _What the fuck kind of question is that? Is he or isn’t he? It’s not that simple. It never is when you’re-. The fuck does he know anyway? _  
  
“That’s a really stupid question,” I yanked my hand away from his and walked ahead of him.  
  
“Jason, I’m sorry. Maybe I misunderstood-.”  
  
“I’ve been away for five years, haven’t heard from Dick in a long while, longer than I’ve been away. He was supposed to come see me in Ondine, but I never got that far… I don’t think he ever visited the hospital when I was there. I would’ve wanted to see him.” He ran in front of me and we stood there. I was just babbling on and on about things I would never have told anyone.  
  
“This accident seems like it was a lot for you. How did it happen?” Be honest Jason, it’s worth it. Just be honest.  
  
“I… I freaked out. I was drunk and I freaked out and next thing I knew I was covered in blood.”  
  
“Why’d you freak out?” I shrugged.  
  
“The same reason I got drunk. I didn’t know what to say to Bruce. I got drunk because something happened earlier that day and I was too scared to tell anyone… When I got enough courage to say something I was so drunk he wouldn’t listen to me. Then I yelled and he yelled and he raised his hand at me…” _Why do memories have to hurt so much? Fuck! Stop crying. Stop crying. _“It wasn’t the first time someone’d done that, I just didn’t think it’d be him. I panicked.” _He’s going to ask me about what I wanted to tell him. I have to stop crying. Stop crying Jason and tell him. _  
  
“What’d you want to tell him?”  
  
“I wanted to tell him… His costume designer grabbed me. I didn’t think after that night he’d believe me, what would be the point of telling him now anyways? It’s been five years. It won’t seem-.” He looked at me like he saw something completely different in my face.  
  
“It makes sense now. I believe you,” he whispered. _Goddammit! Stop crying. Stop crying. _He opened his arms and I let him hold me. He believed me. He didn’t even really know me and he believed me. “It’s okay Jason.” _Thank you._________________________


	15. Say Something

### Kyle 8: Say Something

###    
He was honest with me about himself. An open answer to every question. Maybe I pushed him too hard, maybe no one pushed him enough to open up. I walked with him almost three hours that night in circles around the neighborhood. He told me about his brothers, about Bruce, how he met Roy, and it was nice, to see that he had outside interests. “I’m sorry,” Jason whispered. I stopped and he turned to really look at me.  
  
“Why are you sorry Jason?” He shrugged. “I liked listening, I like you. This is honestly the best time I’ve had with you since your birthday,” I whispered.  
  
“I’m sorry that I cried on you,” he laughed lightheartedly. I shrugged.  
  
“It was nice that you did. I know it can be hard for you to open up-.” I saw him tense up. “Not like that I mean, it’s hard for everyone to open up-.”  
  
“At first I only opened up because I thought we were gonna… But then it felt nice to talk to you and I guess I couldn’t stop,” he smiled, “It felt nice to talk to you.” I smiled at him. “What time is it?” I checked my watch.  
  
“Eleven-fifty. Ready to go?” He nodded. “Jason, thanks for tonight.” We walked with a dragging step. “Maybe we can do this again?” He nodded.  
  
“Yeah, maybe next time we'll talk about you,” he teased. We walked back into the Shadows building.  
  
“Yeah, or we could have sex,” I joked. He nodded.  
  
“True.” He left me in the hall with the thought. We went on walks like that all the time after that, up until dress rehearsals started. I don’t think we ever really got around to the sex. I knew the pressure was on him to be better than he’d ever been before. He told me about it over lunch sometimes when he made it to lunch. Sometimes I’d catch him curled up on a yoga mat, smelling of topical cream, and I’d put a blanket over him, but I never told him it seemed like it was too much. I just wanted him to feel like he could do it because I knew he could. Then he started disappearing at night. I just wouldn’t see him. He was there for class and gone immediately afterwards. Sometimes, when he wasn’t asleep or rehearsing I would get a moment with him to just look at him and love what I saw. He had some of the most beautiful eyes I’ve ever looked into. Sometimes he’d crack a smile or laugh, but it was nice to take a moment to consciously put a face with his memories, his thoughts, his feelings. All the things he shared with me on our walks were pieces of him, traits of him, I think maybe I was in love with him.  
  
Jason burst into my room one night red in the face and he jumped into my bed. “Kyle, are you busy?” I shook my head and he stared at the ceiling silently for a while. “I’ve got a whole two nights free. Do you wanna fly outta here tonight?” I looked confused. “Kyle?”  
  
“You wanna go away for two whole nights? With me?” He nodded.  
  
“Yeah, why not? Unless you are busy or you don’t wanna go, that’s okay too-.”  
  
“How soon do you wanna go?” He sat up and jostled me around.  
  
“Do you wanna go tonight?” I shrugged. He seemed like he was beyond excited for a few nights away and we both didn’t have anywhere important to be so I followed him out and Roy dropped us off at the airport. I felt like we were two kids sneaking out. It was exhilarating. We picked a random flight and we were off to L.A. in the middle of the night. He fell asleep the second we got on the plane and I couldn’t help but smile. I straightened his beanie on his head and I took a deep breath. I kind of liked the way Gotham looked from so far above. It looked like what I imagined it would look if time machines had windows. Once we got there, Jason nudged me. “Are you ready to go?” I nodded and stretched out. How long had I been asleep? Jason seemed to zoom off like we couldn’t get there fast enough.  
  
“Jason, slow down… What’s going on?” I grabbed his hand and he stopped for a moment.  
  
“We only have two free days before the final dress rehearsal,” he whispered. He tried to force a smile but he couldn’t. “I just want to enjoy it.” I nodded. We went from place to place looking around and inside and on top of things like we were exploring until it started to get dark and we took a cab to my favorite hotel. We got a room together and for the first time since I’d dropped his opening costume off we kissed. He kissed me first this time, on my lips, on my neck. Jason. I heard the zipper on my jeans and I cupped his cheek. “Wait. I forgot something. I have to show you first and you can say no, but I have to show you what it is.” He dug through his suitcase and asked me to fasten what I thought to be a ball gag around his head, but he turned to reveal a spider gag. “Ya?” I smiled.  
  
“And what are you gonna do with that,” I teased. It wasn't at all what I imagined. Jason, look at me. I couldn’t speak. I could only look at him. His eyes. God Jason, your tongue. God Jason, you. He pulled away and pointed to the bed. I wiped his face. He sat on the bed staring at me with those eyes, those beautiful curious eyes, and he motioned for me to come back. Jason. Slow down. I can’t speak. He pulled back and took in a breath. I took off his gag, my hands shaking, my heart racing.  
  
“You don’t like it?” He looked like he was afraid. He looked unsure.  
  
“I couldn’t think straight,” I laughed, anxiety rose in my chest and occupied an uncomfortable amount of space in my throat. “You okay?” He nodded. I kissed him. “I just didn’t… You’re amazing.” He kissed me once more and I could feel something different in him. I watched him get naked and I took off my shirt and wiped his face. Force of habit. He looked so delicate the way he was. Underneath me, it was like looking at a painting and stepping inside. It was all so surreal. I panicked.  
  
“What’s wrong?” I don’t know. I don’t know what’s wrong. I just know that things aren’t right.  
  
“Jason, something isn’t right. Why did you want to skip town all of a sudden?” He turned on his side as if somehow I would suddenly disappear, no longer on top of him, no longer asking an important question. “Jason,” my voice softened.  
  
“I lied Kyle! I don’t wanna go back to Gotham!” I lay next to him silently for a while.  
  
“What were you gonna do after tomorrow?” He didn’t say anything. “Is this about being in Frankenstein?” He nodded.  
  
“Can we pretend I didn’t lie for a little while longer?” I pressed a few kisses to his temple and I lay there quietly.  
  
“I’m not mad if that means anything to you,” I whispered. He rolled out of the bed and started to get dressed. “Jason, I just want to talk to you.” I pulled my pants back on. Jason didn’t answer me. He got up.  
  
“I don’t know what I was thinking. I was dumb to think that I could just leave Gotham,” he started to raise his voice.  
  
“Jason look at me, we don’t have to-.”  
  
“I do have to go! I don’t know why I tried to leave. I just thought that I wouldn’t feel like this anymore but it won’t go away-.” I grabbed his hand.  
  
“Jason come sit down… What won’t go away?”  
  
“I’m not going to be good enough,” he took a deep breath. “I am never going to be good enough, not for Shadows, not for GCS, not for anyone-.” I opened my arms and he let me hold him.  
  
“Jason, perfect dancer or not, I still love you.” He didn’t speak he just held onto me and I pressed a bunch more kisses to his temple. “You wanna go on another walk?”  
  
“No, I wanna lay down with you,” Jason mumbled, “You said you loved me.”  
  
“No, I said I love you. Present tense Jason,” I whispered and I let go so we could climb back into bed.  
  
“I love you too Kyle… You promise you’ll be right there during the first show?” I nodded.  
  
“I promise.” He closed his eyes. We got on the plane that next afternoon but he didn’t sleep, he didn’t smile, he just stared out into the sky that seemed like vast nothingness. I wanted to grab his hand, say something to him, but there was nothing. It was almost frightening, at least when I met him there was a presence of something in him. Some life. Some humanity. Some hatred, something. Jason, say something please.  
  
“I probably wouldn’t have forgiven myself if I skipped out on being lead. I don’t want to go back but maybe it’ll be okay?” He didn’t look at me.  
  
“It’s going to be fine,” I whispered, “Jason… After this maybe we can run off to wherever, enjoy time away from Gotham for a while?” He turned to me.  
  
“I’m more scared of the papers than I am of dancing. I know it sounds dumb but I think Gotham’s waiting for me to fail so they can tear me apart… I don’t know what I’ll do,” he trailed off and turned his head.  
  
“Jason Todd as Frankenstein stole hearts both literally and metaphorically. His poise, his balance, his stage presence all took the audience’s breath away. The absolute sincerity in his performance brought to life the abject misery of-.” He wiped his eyes with his sleeve.  
  
“It’s not ego, but now it just feels like… It feels good to think of them writing something nice about me. I just want to be looked at more realistically, like I know they’ll never know me like someone like you and Roy know me, but I just want people to know I’m not all bad.”  
  
“You’re not bad at all. Jason, I don’t really completely understand you or what motivates you, but I know you’re not a bad or selfish person.” He looked at me with tears in his eyes.  
  
“I might be.” Nothingness.  
  
We got back to Gotham late that afternoon and Roy looked furious. “Two free days?” Jason climbed in the back seat and Jade grabbed Roy’s hand. “No, Jason what’s going on?”  
  
“I couldn’t… I panicked. I’m sorry that I lied about not having rehearsal but I couldn’t handle the pressure-.” I held his hand. Still nothingness.  
  
Jason didn’t say anything to anyone for the next two days. He slept and ate in the studio. The night before opening I came to the studio to sleep next to him and without trying to, I woke him. “You okay?” He smiled at me.  
  
“I had a dream about you. We were in a cotton candy machine-.” I laughed.  
  
“A cotton candy machine?” He nodded and closed his eyes.  
  
“Will you still love me after the season ends?” I kissed his forehead.  
  
“I think I will.”  
  
“I appreciate the honesty…It’s better than just saying, ‘yeah’.” He grew quiet and his breathing slowed down. Sleep. Tomorrow would be a big day, a stressful day, but for that moment Jason had peace.


	16. Curtain Call

### Jason 8: Curtain Call

###    
I woke up early that morning. I slipped out of the room away from Kyle to go get breakfast for he and I. Rose bumped into me. “You okay? You look like you’re gonna be sick-.”  
  
“I’m just a little lightheaded.” She looked at me with fire in her eyes. Not anger. Concern?  
  
“Jason, I know you’ve been nervous about the show tonight but I hope you’re not skipping meals to rehearse,” she whispered. I didn’t speak. “Jason! You know how bad that can get. Do you remember what happened last time?”  
  
“Rose-.”  
  
“You dropped me. You passed out. Talia pulled our pas de deux and it could’ve been way worse. We both could’ve gotten seriously hurt,” Rose whispered, “Take care of yourself Jay.” She hugged me. I tensed up a little but I hugged her back. “I may not be your girlfriend anymore but it doesn’t mean I can’t be your friend Jason.” I nodded and went back to the studio to eat with Kyle. He sat up, wiped his face, stretched out, and smiled. He smiled at me.  
  
“Breakfast already?” I nodded and started to eat the french toast but the second I bit into it I felt so sick that I had to lie back down. “You all right?”  
  
“I’m a little nauseous, but I’m okay.” _I feel like I’m gonna be sick. Kyle I want to walk away again. I don’t wanna come back. Kyle. _  
  
He ran his fingers through my hair. “Jason, you’re going to be fine.” _I’m not fine Kyle. I’m going to throw up. _I stood up and ran to the trash bin outside the studio to throw up and I sat down in the hallway. “Jason?”  
  
“I’m fine, I’m just dizzy…”  
  
“Jason, are you sure you’ll be okay tonight because we can-”  
  
“It’s okay…” Kyle ran his thumb across my cheek and looked me over a few times. _Kyle I feel like it’s all gonna be a disaster. Keep telling me it won’t be. Please. _  
  
“You still want to do this?” I nodded. I wouldn’t see him until much later after that. I went to my room, showered, dressed, and I stared in the mirror wondering if I’d ever be as good as expected, if I’d ever at a certain point exceeded any expectations or if I was consistently disappointing everyone around me. Bruce called.  
  
“Hello?”  
  
“Jason, I just wanted to speak with you about tonight. Is it still alright for me to come tonight-.”  
  
“I would like that Bruce. I really would, will it only be you tonight?”  
  
“I don’t think it will, no. I anticipate your performance… How are you feeling?” I wanted so badly to be a child for just a moment. I wanted to express my fears as a child. I wanted to cry. I wanted to ask him what I should do.  
  
“I’m nervous, a little bit nervous.” Bruce hesitated for a while and I heard him clear his throat.  
  
“Jason, you are persistent, dedicated, and without fail loyal to your causes. Some people might even call you stubborn, but I know that in these five years that that part of you is still very much alive. If it weren’t you wouldn’t be in this production of Frankenstein right now,” he sounded so sure of me.  
  
“Bruce do you still have the same head of costume design,” I asked.  
  
“Jason, I terminated him years ago for inappro-. Jason? Is that what you were trying to tell me the night of the accident?” I swallowed hard.  
  
“Yes.” I wondered if Bruce believed me. There’s so much space in silence.  
  
“Jason, I have been wanting to asking you every single day since I terminated him. I’m so sorry I hadn’t listened to you when you tried to tell me.” I could no longer cry, I just sat still and closed my eyes. “Jason…”  
  
“Bruce, I’ll see you tonight, okay?” I didn’t open my eyes. I just lay back on my bed feeling as if he had lifted an enormous weight off my shoulders.  
  
“Yes, of course. Jason, I hope to speak to you tonight.”  
  
“Definitely Bruce. See you tonight,” I hung up. _Run through things again Jason. Final rehearsal. Movie length rehearsal. Quick. No room for mistakes. Rose and I are supposed to look madly in love. Remember when you were in love with Rose, Jason? Do you really remember? Do you want to remember? _Rose smiled at me after rehearsal.  
  
“You did great. If you can do that tonight just like that everyone’s going to lose their minds. You looked great,” she smiled.  
  
“Thanks, but it was all you Rose. Everyone’s gonna be looking at you.” I meant it. I’m nervous, not blind.  
  
“Jason, can we talk?” My blood ran cold and Rose nodded at me. I followed Talia to her room and I stopped in the doorway. “I’m sorry. I was selfish-.”  
  
“I’m leaving the company after the season is over.” The words escaped me before I could think.  
  
“Jason, you don’t have to go-.” I shook my head.  
  
“Talia, this is never going to be normal. Even if I become a principal here I won’t ever know if I really earned it, and if I never become a principal here I’ll always think it’s because you don’t want me to be. I don’t think I was ever really happy here anyways. I came here because I wanted to run away from my problems but I didn’t want to stop dancing.”  
  
“I respect that,” she whispered. For the first time since we met I felt like I had power to do and say as I pleased without any apprehension.  
  
The day went by quickly and I still hadn’t seen or heard from Kyle. I hoped Kyle wasn’t too tired. I knew the floor wasn’t comfortable, but I was afraid to fail everyone, even Talia. Bruce would be there, my brothers would be there, Kyle’s mentor would be there. Jade came by and did my makeup backstage and Kyle was there but as head of costume design. The room seemed so small and the stage seemed endless. My stomach turned at the thought. “Jason, you look amazing. You will be amazing,” Jade whispered. I nodded. Rose came over and held my hands.  
  
“Can you breathe for me Jason?” I nodded and took a deep breath. I felt like I would pass out if I tried to force in another breath so I didn’t. I stood up and paced anxiously. _Kyle come here please. I need you. I need to look at you before I go on. _“Go let Kyle look at you and see if your costume looks how it’s supposed to.” I nodded. _Kyle? Kyle where are you? _A peck on the cheek.  
  
“You look wonderful. Look at me, just do your best. You look your best, you’ll do your best and that’s all anyone can ask of you, and then if you really want you’re free.” I hugged him.  
  
I heard Talia’s voice. I heard applause and then someone rushed me to the stage, I took my place and it all seemed to be a blur from there. I left the stage, my heart beat out of my chest and Kyle took me back to the dressing room where I changed into my second costume and rushed me back to the edge of the curtain where I awaited my cue. I can’t remember being on stage, I just remember my final piece and I remember bowing and breaking down backstage. I couldn’t stop shaking. “Jason?” I looked up. _Dick? It can’t be him. _“Jason, you did amazing!” He hugged me and I held onto him. He came. He really came. _Why can’t I stop crying? Where is Bruce? _  
  
“Jason, are you okay?” Kyle? Why can’t I feel? Kyle knelt in front of me and held my hand. “You did it.” I nodded and tried to squeeze his hand. I wanted to go lie down. None of it felt real. _Tim? The new kid? _  
  
“You looked okay,” he teased. I hugged him. _Where is Bruce? _I looked around wiping my tears away. Talia and Bruce had a brief conversation and as soon as I attempted to turn away we locked eyes. He looked happy.  
  
“Jason?” I tried to smile but I couldn’t stop crying. “Jason, that was an impressive performance.” I hugged him. I hardly ever hugged him but I needed a hug from him. It’d been so long since I really got to be around my family. I missed them so much.  
  
“This is Kyle,” I grabbed his hand, “I love him.” They all introduced themselves to Kyle and they seemed like they’d missed me. We did a little small talk and I finally calmed enough for the pain to set in. “Can we do dinner tomorrow,” I lay back in the chair.  
  
“Sore,” Dick asked. I nodded. “We’ll call you tomorrow and see if you wanna come to dinner still. M’kay?” I nodded.  
  
“It was really nice to see you.” He smiled at me and they were gone. Kyle reached out to help me up. “Would you be upset if I told you I was leaving the company after this season ends?” I reached out and he pulled me up out of the chair.  
  
“I figured you didn’t want to stay on after the season to be completely honest with you, but I’m not mad. You want me to rub your back?” I threw my arms around him and I kissed him.  
  
“You’d really do that?” Kyle nodded and we walked to the car and we drove home. It was quiet. I rolled a window down to let the cold air hit my face, but it didn’t soothe the emptiness in the pit of my stomach going home. Going to Shadows. Shadows wasn’t home. It was a hiding place. I think that’s why Kyle took so long to drive us back there. I didn’t want to go.  
  
“Are you thirsty?” I looked over at him. He was such a focused driver.  
  
“A little… Kyle, did you… Did you like my family? Were they nice to you? Did you feel like they were nice to you?” He nodded and rolled my window up a little.  
  
“I think they love you and they miss you. I think you did wonderfully by the way. You looked stunning, you were as close to perfect as any human being can get,” Kyle whispered, “Are you thirsty?” I nodded.  
  
“I panicked… I couldn’t hear, I couldn’t think, I couldn’t-.” He grabbed my hand.  
  
“But you did it. Don’t be down on yourself. Jade saw you out there, and I’m sure she’d be willing to tell you as soon as she sees you tomorrow,” he smiled. _You really aren’t upset with me, are you Kyle? You’re so confident in yourself and in me… In us. _  
  
“Can we go get a smoothie or something?”  
  
“Like a date?” I turned to him.  
  
“If you don’t mind that I don’t want to get out of the car? Yeah, sure,” I smiled, “And thanks for being there through the worst of it.” He pulled into the parking lot and kissed me.  
  
“Jason,” he looked at me for a moment, “Your worst isn’t all that bad. I’m gonna go bring get a menu so we can pick something together.” I nodded and lay back in the seat and he opened the car door. “There’s one that’s the color of your eyes and-.”  
  
“Did you really order already,” I complained.  
  
“No, I just got excited about how cool it looked. Also, I did get the menus.” I looked through it.  
  
“We can get a big one and share?” He nodded. It was a really nice beginning to a series of good days from there on out. I was too sore to get out of bed for dinner the next day, but I promised them I would call them as soon as I was free, and while it was very important to me to be with them, I wanted to really enjoy being with Kyle for a little bit.  
  
Two days after the recital I took Kyle up on the offer to rub my back and I lay there groaning in approval to the feeling of him working the heels of his hands into my lower back. “I know I’m basically a master at back rubs but it’s getting kind of-...”  
  
“Say it,” I teased, “Say it-.”  
  
“I am not gonna say it-.”  
  
“If you don’t I’ll say it.” He got off of my back and I turned over to lay on mine. “Say it,” I laughed.  
  
“I’m not gonna say it,” he laughed and kissed me.  
  
“If you don’t I’m gonna scream it,” I laughed, “Kyle’s-.” He covered my mouth.  
  
“Hard, it’s getting kind of hard to rub your back with you moaning like that,” he laughed, “You’re a mess.” He uncovered my mouth and I pulled him in for a kiss. Next thing you know I’m sweating underneath him while he’s got his fingers inside me.  
  
“Kyle… More.” Kyle burned through my body like a fever. _More. There. Yes. There. _I grabbed his hand and held him there. He pulled his fingers out and I bared my teeth. _Fuck me! _I could feel him slide into me and I bit my lip. _Say something goddammit! _He kissed me on my lips and my neck and shoulders. _Faster Kyle. _I wrapped my legs around him.  
  
“Like this.” _Yes Kyle. Yes, but… _  
  
“Hit me,” the words escaped my lips without thought. I thought that he would hesitate, that he would say something but he took his hand and he slapped me and he started to fuck me faster and harder. I couldn’t breathe. I wondered if he could hear my heart. It’s so loud. _Fuck Kyle. Again. Again. Again. _He slapped me a little harder the next time and I let out a loud groan. It sent a shock through my body and I pushed hard against him. _More Kyle. Fuck. More. More. More. _He hit me and a high pitched noise escaped despite my closed mouth.  
  
“Yes,” he whispered through gritted teeth and he slapped me a few more times and I pushed up against him as fast as I could. _Deeper. Deeper. God Kyle just do it. _He touched me and I kissed his neck and he pushed me back into the bed and fucked me harder and faster and I heard him moan as he slapped me a few more times and I let out a loud groan. “Fuck!”  
  
“Fuck!” He covered my mouth and I came on my stomach open-mouthed and I tried so hard to hold in my moan that I couldn't breathe. He kept going and he uncovered my mouth and I wrapped my arms around his neck and he bit down on my shoulder as he came inside me. He pulled out and I whimpered. I could feel the warmth in my cheeks where he'd slapped me. I fell back into my pillows.  
  
“Like that?” He kissed my forehead. Asshole. Yes, like that. “Still shaking?”  
  
“Shut up,” I laughed. He kissed my cheek a few times.  
  
“Don't be angwy,” he teased. What an asshole. You'd still be shaking too if you were me.  
  
“I wanna take a shower,” I whispered and got up. Kyle grabbed my hand and kissed it.  
  
“Love you.”  
  
“Love you Kyle,” I smiled and I went to the bathroom and I heard tires screech and I closed my eyes. _No, no, no. Am I bleeding? I have to open my eyes and-. I don’t want to open my eyes. _I heard the bathwater run and I stood there clutching my stomach.  
  
“Jason? You okay,” he asked. I shook my head.  
  
“I feel like I’m at the accident… Like it’s happening all over again,” I whispered.  
  
“Do you need me?” I nodded. “Do you want a reality check or do you just want me-.”  
  
“I need you to stay. I just need you to stay, I feel so weird…” I tried to unlock my fingers and I took a deep breath. _Not real. It’s fine. I opened my eyes. No blood. I’m fine. _I unlocked my fingers and looked at my stomach. I stared at my scars in the mirror.  
  
“You feel better?” I nodded.  
  
“Maybe I shouldn’t go back to GCS-.”  
  
“You don’t wanna go back?”  
  
“I do wanna go back.”  
  
“If you wanna go back home, you should go back home. It all depends on what you feel.” I walked into his arms.  
  
“It’s been five years, is it ever gonna get any better?” He kissed my forehead.  
  
“You still have the scars from the accident, but you don’t need stitches anymore, it’s the same thing on the inside except it takes a little longer.” He rubbed my back. “Give yourself time m’kay? Besides your family’s probably still healing from your accident too.”  
  
“What?”  
  
“They thought they lost you and in a way they kind of did, I saw how they looked at you that night. They’re relieved to be part of your life again,” he whispered, “You’re leaking on the floor.”  
  
“It’s your fault dummy,” I mumbled and he laughed and kissed my forehead again.  
  
“Take a bath stinky.” Kyle was right. I deserved to be happy again, so I asked him if he wanted to move in with me in some apartments by GCS. As expected he said yes and I finally let go of wanting to be the best. I wanted nothing more than to just be myself. Maybe I wasn’t completely okay, but I was going to be.__________________________________________


End file.
